My Story

I had wanted to move away from blogging about my life and back to some creative writing but so much has happened in the last few month I thought I would share some more.... and it does make a good story!

I have been quite open about my various operations and heath problems over the last year. It was last April (practically to the day) that the journey of endless hospital visits, tests and scans started, then the operations, more scans and tests and finally the fertility treatment this January so that in a few years time, we could have children despite me having both my ovaries removed. 

The treatment finished at the end of January and soon after I had my next operation date - the 29th February to have my left ovary and various bits removed. I was nervous and anxious the night before; there wasn't much that Carl could to do reassure and comfort me. My stomach cramping with IBS (or so I thought at the time) and on the morning of the operation, a migraine erupted.

Carl couldn't stay with me because of it being a women only hospital, so I was shown to a bed given a cocktail of strong painkillers for the migraine and told to wait. I slept a bit, cried a bit and just waited whilst at least 8 women were wheeled off the ward and take into theatre. 

My nurse Evie was ditsy. Lovely, but all over the place. She kept forgetting what she was doing with me and I waved my little pot of urine a few times to remind her that she hadn't taken it to wherever it needed to go. At 12.30pm, she went off for lunch - she said goodbye and good luck and again I pointed out that my pee pot was still on the window.

Almost an hour later, an anaesthetist nurse came to get me to take me to theatre. I answered the same questions I have been answering all morning… name, date of birth. She asked if I had provided a sample because the relevant box hadn't been ticked, I told her that Evie had taken it to which she replied that we would find out the result on the way round to theatre.

So off I go on my bed, deep breaths and thinking I CAN do this again; I get wheeled in the to white room where they send you off into lovely sleeps. The nurse (who I remember from my laparoscopy) asked lots of questions about what I do… I know she sees hundreds of people a month so of course she can't remember me, but I couldn't help be impatient that I had told her all this before.

A man came in and introduced himself and the medical student he is with. He started getting the cannula into my hand whilst the nurse hooks me up to the sticky pads for monitoring.  Two more people came into the room and the anaesthetist explains about me having a spinal as well as general.

Then Evie appeared...

Everyone shuffled whilst they were talking behind me and Evie asked if I can do another urine sample. I told her I have just been, they all asked me to try and suggested that they stand outside the room whilst I pee into one of the card sick bowls. I explained that I can't and then the anaesthetist asked when my last period was. I told them it was the end of January and that I knew I was late but i was putting it down to the hormones I was pumped with during January and that my cycle has probably been affected.

Everyone was smiling and saying what good news. No one said, "Jo, you are pregnant" They just beamed with smiles and say what wonderful news. Mr Metcalf, my consultant came through from the theatre room and told me that I like to complicate things and that he won't be performing the operation… All I could say was that I was getting married in September and how was I meant to fit into my dress! They told me I went pale… and then flushed as I was wheeled back to the ward so I could go for another wee to confirm and to wait for a slot up in early pregnancy for a scan and blood test.

My second wee confirmed everything and I was left on the ward on my own with 'OH MY GOD' going over and over in my head. I called Carl and told him they had cancelled my operation and the reason why… more "OH MY GODs' and asked him to come back asap. I called mum and told her, she cried and screamed down the phone and says she has made a cake.

I had pretty much accepted that I may not be able to have children after all my 'problems'. Yes, we had 'back-up' with the frozen ones but with a 30% success rate of IVF, I wasn't getting my hopes up. I think back to the ultrasound I had in September where the women told me I would never fall pregnant with my uterus the way it was and all the things that went against us and thinking that we would ever be able to have children. 

I guess when you stop and accept things as they are - little miracles can happen.

So that is my story….

Oh and to ensure I fit in my wedding dress, a bigger size was ordered and the date moved to the end of June.  So marriage, baby and moving all in one year - 2012 is certainly going to be interesting!

Remembering

Smells can transport you

back to a place

or time of yesterday

a facewash soap took me

back to hospital

the smells of cleanliness

and routine

green fairy liquid made me smile

as the memories of summer

in Nanny's garden washing dolly's hair

So many memories forgotten

until the scent of past overwhelms

A different journey

If you believe, You will get to the end destination no matter what, even if it is on a different route.

This was said to me this morning as I travelled across country on numerous trains instead of the two I was due to be on.

Life can be so strange at times. We all have ideas and plans in our heads as to how things are meant to be or how they are meant to turn out. Sometimes we are told that somethings are just not for us and no matter how hard we try, the result is always the same. We can fight against it, complain that life isn't fair but all it does is take vital energy that could be used to focus on something else - something more positive and rewarding. However, every now and then, when we accept things as they are and stop trying to achieve a certain state of mind or to gain something, a miracle can happen.

It may not be as we expected it, or as we planned but it is there in arms reach and ready for the taking. This is when we count ourselves very lucky and whilst we never gave up hope, the key to fulfilment and making our dreams come true is acceptance.



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

The Assessed

A few forms
The same questions
Address. Postcode. Date of birth.
A leaflet to read, a booklet, the instructions
Height, weight
Give us your blood
Wash in this. Make sure you drink these, don't forget those
Last time this was all novelty
The unknown
I was The Unprepared. How could I be?
This time I have memories.
I know the truth and the 'real pain'
Icy hands and long goodbyes
A deep sleep
This time I know
Today it has hit me
This time I am scared


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Flossy

I cried when you were born

I had never cried happy tears

never understood

but when I saw you, happiness took over

You were perfect.

As you grew and your personality revealed

the little girl with the curls

with princess tantrums
all sugar and spice

You became Flossy

Growing up was so much fun

shopping, concerts, sleep-overs and treats

being stuck in the rain and wearing my clothes

Stories, games and secrets

You were my sunshine

A performer at school

You tried everything once

So many concerts and shows

your confidence beaming

You made me so proud

Into teens and so we grow

so many changes, life is unfair

a cycle repeats

and I am always there to hold your hand

You are so strong

And now an adult

Beautiful in every way

confident and and caring

we are as close as they come

You are my sister - and I wouldn't change a thing.

Happy 18th Birthday Flossy xx

Day One

Today was day one of my IVF treatment and a few things are hitting home. Firstly, what a lot of responsibility this is for someone to take on. Not only is there the injections full of hormones to stimulate the ovaries in order to produce more eggs, but there are the side effects to prepare for.

I feel that I am going to need a sign around my neck for the next few weeks stating: 'Hormonal Nightmare.. handle with care'. I haven't read too much about the side effects - part of me wants to join forums but then I am sure I will convince myself that I have every side effect going, I figure it is best to not know and to ride with it.

Whilst sat in the consultation room, after my scan and the news that I can start, I held the needle in my hand, pinched a good bit of fat on my tummy (which I have been building over Christmas... great excuse to eat more!) and then said 'I don't think I can do it', for a good few moments, I looked at Carl and the nurse and then back to the sharp scary needle and really thought that I couldn't do it but with some encouragement from Carl and praise from the nurse, I slowly stuck the needle into my tummy, clicked the button and gave myself my first injection.

I felt proud of myself and confirmed that I can do this - there isn't really an option of not doing it. It is my only chance. I have no idea what the next few weeks hold and being without Carl is going to make it even more difficult. I am pretty sure there will be plenty of tears; I am an emotional person at the best of times so fill me with hormones and goodness only knows.

I just hope I don't grow a beard and turn into a dragon.

Stepping into 2012

This is always the hardest post to write. The one where you sit and reflect on the last 12 months and try to sum up all the experience, emotions, ups and downs in a succinct and interesting blog post. This is my third version.

My challenge has been trying to cover all that has happened but trying to find the positive so that this isn’t dip into a sad and miserable post. I started by reading back over the last couple of ‘end of year’ posts. I realised that after 2009 and 2010 being quite adventurous with some big life changes, this time last year I was definitely burnt out. 2011 was to be about fixing myself – accepting depression, stress and anxiety and doing something about it, stopping the short term fixes and being open and honest with myself (and others), looking after myself, trying to be healthy and the building of friendships and relationships that had been neglected.

The biggest thing that has helped me in achieving the above and beating those demons is the love and support of friends who have been struggling with similar issue and challenges. For me, 2011, has been very much about building and being part of strong support networks, being there for others and working together through the dips and the difficult times. I have also recognised that some of the support networks I used to rely on are no longer as vital. I have made so many close and wonderful friends from Twitter and I hope that it continues but I have seen a more fickle side this year and been hurt by the playground it can become so I will be continuing but in a more reserved manner and not be so sensitive to those who chose to un-follow or not reply to me.

2011 has not been a year of good health for me, with Derek the Borderline Tumour taking 9 months of my year and putting me through endless scans, reviews, operations and tears. In some ways I feel I have missed so much – particularly through the summer months but in ironic way, Derek has saved me and forced me to fix myself and reassess my outlook and my attitude – I now know that I can’t do it all! The support network of family and friends has got me through the year and I am now more aware and grateful for those I have around me. And through it all I have found the missing part that I was always searching for. I have never really understood the whole ‘when you know.. you know concept’ but I know and now everything flows around it.

Looking ahead, 2012 is likely to be harder but I am stronger and I am trying to ensure my body and mind is as healthy as it can be so that is can prepare, deal with and heal faster after. On Monday I start my round of IVF and I am scared. This will be my only chance to have a child of my own and I am reminding myself of that every time I think of the ridiculous amount of injections I have to give myself. I hate needles. I am anxious about the side effects and the possibility of stimulating the cyst on my remaining ovary so that it grows to Derek size, but it is a risk I am prepared and have to take. I am so thankful that Carl will be with me as I start but it is going to be very hard doing it alone once he returns to our northern home. Next time I will see him it will be on ‘retrieval day’ and I just hope my body comes up with the goods. Following the IVF I will then be back in for another major operation but again, this time I will be more prepared. I will know what to expect, what I can and can’t do and the level of pain I will be under. I will also have systems in place for work so that I can take time off and out to recover without driving up the stress levels.

I see 2012 as being a very big stepping stone. I don’t really have any resolutions just the wish for me to feel as happy and content as this year. For Carl and I to continue to grow and build on our future, for my business to continue to be successful and prosper, for my friendships to continue to strengthen and for new ones to flourish and for my health and body to get back to being fit and healthy.

Last year I ended on that I was ready, this year I will end with my feelings that all will come right and will be ok:

I believe.