Saturday, 21 September 2013

Lines

The pattern is obvious
if you know where to look.
Follow the lines
until they go underground.
Blue in colour
linking their fate.
Out of sight
yet not out of mind.
The beat of the heart
drums in sequence.
The pattern repeats
if you know where to find it.

Monday, 2 September 2013

Great expectations

I have been thinking about expectations and whether we should have them or place them of people.
In general, I do not expect anything from anyone and I tend to lower my expectations with certain people. This has proved a survival tactic in the past to avoid being hurt. If I expect nothing, when something does happen or someone acts in a particular (kind/thoughtful/caring) manner, well, then it is a bonus.
However, should I expect more. I know people have expectations of me. Some are quite high, some are unreasonable.
Is it wrong to expect the day to day things?

Should expectations not be about the bigger important things like honesty, trust and respect.

They are the only things I expect from the people in my life.

Saturday, 20 July 2013

Breaking out of the box

I need this space again. My emotional filing cabinet and space for dumping the contents of my head.

This week I had a session with a Life Coach specialising in Career Mums and women returning to work after maternity. I can't praise Zoe of Career Loving Mums enough. A complete inspiration and lovely person. For two hours over coffee I talked and talked after being asked: "what would you like to think about...?"

I thought about lots. My work, life, family, love, space, money and how I get back to being Jo again.

Prior to the session I had come to the conclusion, that in good old 'Jo fashion', I had not processed or dealt with anything that has happened in the last year. From the complete highs such as getting married to my soul mate and giving birth to our little miracle Violet, to the deep lows of moving away, a total hysterectomy and early-menopause. Talking to Zoe, it only reaffirmed that I had been shoving all this 'stuff' under the carpet; just doing what I always do and have always done - just getting on with it, pulling my socks up and just cracking on!

And in this process and following becoming a mummy, I have changed and have had to adapt to my new life. However, I have lost little bits of Jo along the way.

I discovered that physical space is very important to me and the fact that most of my things are still in boxes, split between north and south, it is no wonder that my feet are not on the ground. I need to plant my feet firmly in my northern home.

I also came to the conclusion that I am not dealing and coping with the new structure that my daily life now has. This is inevitable after having a baby, but I have gone from living on my own, never bothered about time and a life that flowed around me to a more timetabled structure which comes with not only having a baby but also two step-children. Life needs to run like clockwork now which means that I find it hard to stop; there is always 'something' that needs doing and why do one thing when hey! I am a woman and can multi-task, so two or three things can be done at the same time can't they? Or not and it just turns to chaos

This chaos is also in my head and the constant on the go has reflected how I have been working. Whilst not really having a maternity leave and doing a little bit every day to keep my hand in, I am now 'officially' back to work but lack of physical space and the internal chaos means that my 'smart' working is no longer. I faff; I start one thing, remember something else, start that. remember something else and hey! I am multi-tasking again but the result is not that of achieving lots but very much the opposite. I end up spending an hour whilst V is asleep, starting maybe half a dozen tasks and not achieving anything.

The result of not achieving anything and not feeling in control has resulted in a loss of drive and motivation in my 'northern office'. I almost have no idea what I am doing. I am not organised and I work in chaos - both mentally and within my physical space.

The lack of motivation and disorganisation leaves me feeling like a failure and that maybe, I can't be a successful business woman and a mummy at the same time.

The feeling  of failure, chaos, and with 'Jo' still in boxes had lead to me being lost and unhappy.

What I want to get back to is the Jo that gets the adrenaline rush up as she hits the M3 - not because she is happy to be back south and wants to be back there, but because it means a week of work. A week of doing what I do best and what I am good at. A week of meetings where I am respected as a business owner and business woman. Those weeks are always full on, there are always issues to sort, I run around meeting people and generally don't stop but it makes me feel motivated, inspired and alive. I know I work best under pressure. When things go wrong or a deadline is looming or ridiculously tight - I thrive.

This is what I need to establish in my northern home.  If I thrive at work, I thrive in all other areas of my life because that is what I know I do best, it is where I get my energy from. That isn't to say that everything else comes second or after - it is just my motivation. I know that I can be a business woman and a mummy, and if anyone tells me otherwise, well, it makes me want to prove them wrong.
If I am motivated, I am happy. If I am happy, then everything flows as it should and as we wanted and dreamed it to be.

So, first job... create an organised, clutter free (and therefore chaos free) office complete with lots of 'Jo'  things to give me a physical space to work. Then to sort childcare to give me the time I need to spend in the nice new, organised space. I will then have a structured and set time to be 'working Jo', which means mummy and wifey time will be quality time without me having to 'just to a little bit of work'.

This plan along with some stronger HRT patches will get me back to where I want to be. And I know I  it won't take long.

Wednesday, 12 June 2013

Thought Worm

The other day I had the words.
There was a beginning, a middle and an end.
I knew exactly what was required and had a plan on how to get there.
Today the words have slipped and fallen off the page.
Like a worm, the thoughts behind the words have buried deep, hiding where they can not be heard.

Friday, 12 April 2013

My Flower

You changed me.
Inside and out, I will never be the same.
Unconditional now makes sense, like it never has before.
You grow every day, blossom every month; beautiful little flower.
A gift I never thought I would be given, a life I never dreamed of owning; now I hold you in my arms.
Forever in bloom, never a shrinking violet; always my little flower.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Wednesday, 27 March 2013

The hum of the Fat Lady

I thought it was all over. But I guess the fat lady is still sitting in the corner, quietly humming to herself.
As one mountain is climbed, another appears like a volcano rising from the sea, steaming with anxiety.
All I have ever wanted is to be able to draw a line under it, I keep trying but with every new mountain the line just becomes a zig-zag, almost like a fat green snake poking its tongue out at the top of a snakes and ladder board.

We just keep going back to the beginning.

My fear is that this time, it still won't be the end; that there will be "something" else that will prevent me from clearing it all completely from my mind. Always there, right at the back, just etching away slightly with a whisper of 'what ifs'.

At 20 weeks old, my flower Violet is a true miracle. There will be no more because it will be impossible. In 3 weeks time I will be hollow and in hospital on my own. It won't be like last time. I will have few or no visitors other than Carl and Violet. Five days for the what ifs to grow until they tell me that everything is clear.

Only then will I get a big black marker pen and draw the biggest, thickest line





Friday, 26 October 2012

Today

My laparoscopy to check my right ovary was on this day a year ago. This was when they told me that the cells had spread and that I would have to have my remaining ovary removed.
This time last year I thought I wouldn't have children.
Today, I am +1 day over my due date and can't help feeling that she will come today.

So much is about to change.

From today, I will be with Carl always. No more goodnights over FaceTime, no more 'Morning.. I am awake' texts, no more struggling on our own.

We will become a team - how a husband and wife should be as we start our next chapter together and raise our little family.

I can't believe how fast 12 months have passed by, but finally, we are on the edge of what we have wanted for so long.