Thought Worm

The other day I had the words.
There was a beginning, a middle and an end.
I knew exactly what was required and had a plan on how to get there.
Today the words have slipped and fallen off the page.
Like a worm, the thoughts behind the words have buried deep, hiding where they can not be heard.

My Flower

You changed me.
Inside and out, I will never be the same.
Unconditional now makes sense, like it never has before.
You grow every day, blossom every month; beautiful little flower.
A gift I never thought I would be given, a life I never dreamed of owning; now I hold you in my arms.
Forever in bloom, never a shrinking violet; always my little flower.
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The hum of the Fat Lady

I thought it was all over. But I guess the fat lady is still sitting in the corner, quietly humming to herself.
As one mountain is climbed, another appears like a volcano rising from the sea, steaming with anxiety.
All I have ever wanted is to be able to draw a line under it, I keep trying but with every new mountain the line just becomes a zig-zag, almost like a fat green snake poking its tongue out at the top of a snakes and ladder board.

We just keep going back to the beginning.

My fear is that this time, it still won't be the end; that there will be "something" else that will prevent me from clearing it all completely from my mind. Always there, right at the back, just etching away slightly with a whisper of 'what ifs'.

At 20 weeks old, my flower Violet is a true miracle. There will be no more because it will be impossible. In 3 weeks time I will be hollow and in hospital on my own. It won't be like last time. I will have few or no visitors other than Carl and Violet. Five days for the what ifs to grow until they tell me that everything is clear.

Only then will I get a big black marker pen and draw the biggest, thickest line

Today

My laparoscopy to check my right ovary was on this day a year ago. This was when they told me that the cells had spread and that I would have to have my remaining ovary removed.
This time last year I thought I wouldn't have children.
Today, I am +1 day over my due date and can't help feeling that she will come today.

So much is about to change.

From today, I will be with Carl always. No more goodnights over FaceTime, no more 'Morning.. I am awake' texts, no more struggling on our own.

We will become a team - how a husband and wife should be as we start our next chapter together and raise our little family.

I can't believe how fast 12 months have passed by, but finally, we are on the edge of what we have wanted for so long.

Birthday wishes

Ever since I was little, I always said that my ideal age to have children would be 33. I don't know where this came from, whether it was a random age I picked from the clouds or whether something influenced me at a young age. But I always had an idea that by the age of 33, I would like to be married and that children would come during my thirty-third year.

Today is my birthday and today I turn 33.

In the last year, I have got married and in (hopefully) 10 days time, our little miracle will have arrived and I will become a mother.

Now I don't know whether my life is following some kind of plan, I don't really believe in destinies or fate. But I do know that things can happen quickly when it is absolutely right, when we accept and are open to ourselves and others, life has a way of rewarding us.

I remember saying to mum each birthday as I approached today's age and whilst single, that it is and would be possible to meet someone, marry them and have a baby all within a year - as long as it was right. And this is what has happened, OK it has been a little longer than a year but still, it goes to show, when it is right and you know - life is on your side and good things happen.

Autumn Reflections

Sometimes it feels like I have already gone.
Like the summer that flew by without a hint of what used to be.
No warmth is left just lazy sunshine clinging to the last hours.
I feel avoided.
Like the clocks changing, I am the bearer of long periods of darkness that nobody likes to talk about.
The white elephant in the corner of the room.
As leaves turn and eventually fall, leaving landscapes vulnerable and empty.
I wonder how my new surroundings will welcome me or whether I will be left in the whiteness of winter.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

365 Days

This time last year, it was the eve of my operation.
I was scared and anxious of the unknown.
I can't remember if I slept well, probably not.
This time last year my thoughts were on whether I had cancer and whether I would ever be able to have children.
I thought, probably not.

Tomorrow I will be back at the hospital where it all began.
A year of appointments, procedures... tears
Tomorrow we get to see our tiny miracle, 20 weeks old.
The 8th June will always be a day I remember
And a reminder to never give up
That everything always comes right in the end.