Reason, Season or Lifetime

Flossy

2012-01-29T19:49:00.009Z

I cried when you were born

I had never cried happy tears

never understood

but when I saw you, happiness took over

You were perfect.

As you grew and your personality revealed

the little girl with the curls

with princess tantrums
all sugar and spice

You became Flossy

Growing up was so much fun

shopping, concerts, sleep-overs and treats

being stuck in the rain and wearing my clothes

Stories, games and secrets

You were my sunshine

A performer at school

You tried everything once

So many concerts and shows

your confidence beaming

You made me so proud

Into teens and so we grow

so many changes, life is unfair

a cycle repeats

and I am always there to hold your hand

You are so strong

And now an adult

Beautiful in every way

confident and and caring

we are as close as they come

You are my sister - and I wouldn't change a thing.

Happy 18th Birthday Flossy xx

Day One

2012-01-02T18:19:00.003Z

Today was day one of my IVF treatment and a few things are hitting home. Firstly, what a lot of responsibility this is for someone to take on. Not only is there the injections full of hormones to stimulate the ovaries in order to produce more eggs, but there are the side effects to prepare for.

I feel that I am going to need a sign around my neck for the next few weeks stating: 'Hormonal Nightmare.. handle with care'. I haven't read too much about the side effects - part of me wants to join forums but then I am sure I will convince myself that I have every side effect going, I figure it is best to not know and to ride with it.

Whilst sat in the consultation room, after my scan and the news that I can start, I held the needle in my hand, pinched a good bit of fat on my tummy (which I have been building over Christmas... great excuse to eat more!) and then said 'I don't think I can do it', for a good few moments, I looked at Carl and the nurse and then back to the sharp scary needle and really thought that I couldn't do it but with some encouragement from Carl and praise from the nurse, I slowly stuck the needle into my tummy, clicked the button and gave myself my first injection.

I felt proud of myself and confirmed that I can do this - there isn't really an option of not doing it. It is my only chance. I have no idea what the next few weeks hold and being without Carl is going to make it even more difficult. I am pretty sure there will be plenty of tears; I am an emotional person at the best of times so fill me with hormones and goodness only knows.

I just hope I don't grow a beard and turn into a dragon.

Stepping into 2012

2011-12-31T11:24:00.002Z

This is always the hardest post to write. The one where you sit and reflect on the last 12 months and try to sum up all the experience, emotions, ups and downs in a succinct and interesting blog post. This is my third version.

My challenge has been trying to cover all that has happened but trying to find the positive so that this isn’t dip into a sad and miserable post. I started by reading back over the last couple of ‘end of year’ posts. I realised that after 2009 and 2010 being quite adventurous with some big life changes, this time last year I was definitely burnt out. 2011 was to be about fixing myself – accepting depression, stress and anxiety and doing something about it, stopping the short term fixes and being open and honest with myself (and others), looking after myself, trying to be healthy and the building of friendships and relationships that had been neglected.

The biggest thing that has helped me in achieving the above and beating those demons is the love and support of friends who have been struggling with similar issue and challenges. For me, 2011, has been very much about building and being part of strong support networks, being there for others and working together through the dips and the difficult times. I have also recognised that some of the support networks I used to rely on are no longer as vital. I have made so many close and wonderful friends from Twitter and I hope that it continues but I have seen a more fickle side this year and been hurt by the playground it can become so I will be continuing but in a more reserved manner and not be so sensitive to those who chose to un-follow or not reply to me.

2011 has not been a year of good health for me, with Derek the Borderline Tumour taking 9 months of my year and putting me through endless scans, reviews, operations and tears. In some ways I feel I have missed so much – particularly through the summer months but in ironic way, Derek has saved me and forced me to fix myself and reassess my outlook and my attitude – I now know that I can’t do it all! The support network of family and friends has got me through the year and I am now more aware and grateful for those I have around me. And through it all I have found the missing part that I was always searching for. I have never really understood the whole ‘when you know.. you know concept’ but I know and now everything flows around it.

Looking ahead, 2012 is likely to be harder but I am stronger and I am trying to ensure my body and mind is as healthy as it can be so that is can prepare, deal with and heal faster after. On Monday I start my round of IVF and I am scared. This will be my only chance to have a child of my own and I am reminding myself of that every time I think of the ridiculous amount of injections I have to give myself. I hate needles. I am anxious about the side effects and the possibility of stimulating the cyst on my remaining ovary so that it grows to Derek size, but it is a risk I am prepared and have to take. I am so thankful that Carl will be with me as I start but it is going to be very hard doing it alone once he returns to our northern home. Next time I will see him it will be on ‘retrieval day’ and I just hope my body comes up with the goods. Following the IVF I will then be back in for another major operation but again, this time I will be more prepared. I will know what to expect, what I can and can’t do and the level of pain I will be under. I will also have systems in place for work so that I can take time off and out to recover without driving up the stress levels.

I see 2012 as being a very big stepping stone. I don’t really have any resolutions just the wish for me to feel as happy and content as this year. For Carl and I to continue to grow and build on our future, for my business to continue to be successful and prosper, for my friendships to continue to strengthen and for new ones to flourish and for my health and body to get back to being fit and healthy.

Last year I ended on that I was ready, this year I will end with my feelings that all will come right and will be ok:

I believe.

I am not immune... nor amused!

2011-12-04T15:13:00.002Z

This weekend I have discovered that I am allergic to Flucloxacillin. Spending a weekend with a head and face the size of Shrek's and the acne of a teenager has not been one of my most enjoyable moments.

I think it has confirmed my immune system and general health is shot to pieces. Since my operation in June I seem to get poorly as soon as the slightest feeling of being 'run-down' shows. My wounds were not healing from October's procedure so I went to get antibiotics to clear the infection and I end up with an allergic reaction. Typical!

I need to start looking after myself better especially with the impending major surgery in early 2012 and possible chemotherapy. How can any drugs make me better if my body can't support it and reject everything?

I have an awesome support network but I need to be able to look after myself better. Other people need me to be strong. Tomorrow we find out the severity of my nan's cancer and mum will need me to be strong for her.

Mum said in January this year that it was going to be a year of 'health issues' and boy has she been right.

Things about me

2011-11-28T17:49:00.006Z

I am a very tactile person who loves to sit and stroke arms, rub feet, fiddle and twirl hair, rub my feet together when comfy, rock to sleep, (all which I do without realising) and cuddle a ridiculous amount. However, I can not STAND the feel and touch of:

Tea bags *shudder*
Velvet *squirms*
Mouse mats *squeals*
Wool clothing (my wool skirt is hell to put on and smooth down)
Carpet

Yes, the carpet is an odd thing. This doesn't mean feeling carpet with my hands (although you will never catch me running my hand over 'good pile') but mainly with my feet. I can not walk on carpet barefoot. You know that feeling when your feet are all smooth feeling? - that is the worse time to be on carpet. And those who rub their feet on carpet when they have an itch - that makes my teeth hurt as much as nails down a blackboard. Sometimes getting out of bed in someone else's house (I have floorboards throughout my house!) and walking across the carpet can send me into panic and I end up doing a special kind of walk on the sides of my feet - toes in air, to either a pair of socks or slippers.

I have no idea where this comes from - friends and family deem me as odd. Hey ho!

I might tell you something else about me soon but in the meantime, what makes your teeth hurt / body shudder / face wince?

Shaded Confessions

2011-11-24T21:31:00.005Z

She had picked the tree. It was a vast oak with a strong reach providing plenty of shade against the mid-august sun. As they walked towards the large shadow, her eyes scanned for a place to sit - a spot where the grass was full, no thistles or twigs that might stab or sting her bare feet. Her heart was racing. She had wanted it to be perfect so that the moment was there and the words would flow.

They placed the old rug on a lush mound of grass, spreading the corners and kicking off shoes to weigh down the edges, protection against the summer breeze.

After unpacking the basket of homemade lemonade, triangles of sandwiches, strips of carrots and peppers to submerse in dips and two cup cakes each, she took a moment to stop and watch him. His eyes were beautiful. She had always loved his eyes - so many colours and flecks of light, she wondered whether she would ever see them cry or the colour become dull; the thought made her own eyes water so she pulled down her sunglasses to hide her thoughts.

They didn't say much whilst they ate and sipped the cold lemonade. Just a few pleasantries about how beautiful the day was and how the breeze was welcome as was the silence of the great open park. She wanted to say they should do it more often. She regrets not saying it now.

He ate, read the paper and snoozed in the sunshine. His body unwinding with every long exhale as she watched from behind her dark shades. Every so often she felt for the piece of

of paper that was in the pocket of her strappy summer dress. It was a hand written note, one that she had read countless times. She didn't actually need the note, she knew the words

off by heart but it reassured her. Twice she pulled it from her pocket and started to unravel the small squares, but twice, her fingers worked the paper back to its folded state.

She wanted to blurt the contents out and let all 357 words fall from her lips as quick as possible. What will he say? Will he laugh, cry or be angry. Will he scoop her up into his arms and kiss her with all the answers she will ever need.

She held the paper, clenched in her fist, took one breath and whispered... 'My name is not Clare...'

Timeline Terrors

2011-11-24T20:38:00.002Z

One thing that I really don't understand, and am sure I never will, is how people can be cruel to others.

I detest bullying of any kind. Whether passively or aggressively, hurting other people is wrong.

And those that torment, tease, wear-down, control and purposely degrade and belittle are the worst type of bullies.

There are those that hide behind others,a bravado or an online personality who emotionally bully others for no other reason other than that they can. They find it entertaining and generally have no sense of compassion for anyone else.

Twitter has scared me recently. I have seen far too many nice people hurt and upset due to other Tweeters. It is all too easy to bitch, tease or degrade when no one knows who you are and when hidden by a computer screen.

As well as the general nasty attacks on time lines, there have been groups who jump on a bandwagon and who are quick to join in the name calling and bitterness when actually, they know nothing of the situation or the personal traumas that are taking place behind the scenes.

Twitter is a place to voice your mind and your opinion. Being able to have freedom of speech and reach a vast audience is in some ways what makes it special (and somewhat addictive) But what when that is taken too far? It forces people no option other than to leave, close accounts or be someone they don't want to be in the form of a new account.

This then doesn't make it real. And this isn't restricted to Twitter, all online forums face the same.

Whilst I have a lot of personal stuff to go through, I will be stepping back from Twitter for fear that comments will be made and I will be judged for decisions or depicted as someone who is always poorly and complaining, although I am not that type of person and those that know me, know that but, that doesn't protect me from those that don't and who will be quick to judge.

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

2011-11-20T12:49:00.002Z

Last week wasn't as bad as I anticipated. Which is good; with two hospital appointments I feared that the week would lead to some very difficult decisions having to be made. Decisions that I had already started to work through and partly arrived at.

The Good

Wednesday's appointment with the fertility clinic was the one I feared the most. Expecting to hear that my body is not hospitable enough to conceive naturally or grow a baby, I was told that they saw no reason why a) I would not get funding for IVF this time round due to the remaining ovary having to be removed and b) that my uterus is healthy and should be good to grow and carry.

*breathes massive side of relief*

After hearing that decision and knowing that a report is going back to the PCT to request funding, I felt a little more optimistic about my appointment with my consultant on Friday. I like Mr Metcalf, he is always very straight forward, explains things well and is genuinely nice. I feel lucky to have such a consultant on my side. He told us that, most importantly, I have time. The next operation does not have to happen imminently and that it can wait for the ivf treatment so that we do have the 'back up'. Now all we need is the ivf treatment to come through quickly.

The Bad

Both appointments, whilst lifting a little weight off my shoulders, also imprinted some concern at the back of my mind. IVF isn't always successful and I know that this one round will be my only chance at having my own child.

The biopsies from my last procedure shows that there are cell changes in other parts of my pelvis and whilst they aren't bad cells, they are the same as Derek (borderline tumor cells)and an area of concern. So to ensure that these don't spread any further I will not only be having my remaining left ovary and tubes removed, also my peritoneum and omentum as the cells are littered throughout.

The Ugly

It is almost as though Derek cocked his leg before he left and sprayed my insides, marking his territory. The next operation will therefore be a big one and not as keyhole like I had hoped. They will go in though my current scar and up higher this time so above my belly-button. They will cut the current scar out and once done and they have taken everything, they will pull it all together and sew me up - I guess a bit like a tummy-tuck but the scar will be bigger and along with the two recent keyhole scars, my stomach will look at bit of a mess.

The thought of another big operation, days in hospital and 6-weeks recovery absolutely scares the crap out of me but I know it has to happen. But what scares me more is that to ensure the cells are all gone for good and to stop the spread I was told I may have to have some rounds of chemotherapy. That word makes my insides quiver but I am glad I know the whole process so I can prepare and hopefully, the operation will be enough.

This week, we also found out that my nan has cancer. I am not sure which type but it is 'down there' and she is having to have a full hysterectomy. At the moment we are waiting for a MRI to if and how much it has spread. She could end up as a patient with Mr Metcalf also, depending on the type and stage of cancer. All horrible and very upsetting but I know she will be in good hands.

The next 6 months are going to be very hard for us as a family. We all have our fears and we are all trying to prepare.

My head... this second.

2011-11-09T19:38:00.003Z

Do I stay on Twitter or not?

Do I keep my left ovary or have it removed?

Do we attempt a round of ivf or have it as (it seems) how nature intended?

Do I have it all taken out?

What about early menopause?

I need to remember to reply to that text...

Will HRT make me grumpy... how will it change me?

How do I deal with not being able to have children?
Do I need to keep talking about it?

Should I stop expecting people to understand?

I need to reply to him

Why hasn't anyone been in touch?

How am I going to pay the mortgage next month?

Must remember to call Dad...

There is no food for dinner

What if adoption takes too long?

What if I resent my friends, siblings when they have children?

What if the new cyst grows as fast as the other

Can I take another 6 weeks off for more surgery?

I need to reply to email

Who will look after me?

Who will run my business?

What if the girls don't like me?

What if I get homesick?

How am I going to do this?

I spy

2011-11-06T18:41:00.001Z

The playground never dies
Fickle games and hidden lies
The race never ends
Fast pace fewer friends
The stories forever told
He said what? Her response cold
The twisting tales continue
A whisper to another - the facts untrue.
The playground never dies
No matter the age, there are always spies.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Just an update for now.....

2011-11-03T09:15:00.004Z

I have almost given up trying to update this blog with the trials and tribulations of my never ending health issues.

I want to get back into writing creatively but at the moment, I do not have the head space to string words together the way I would like, so for now, the blog is back to being a dumping ground and my emotional filing cabinet.

I am not very good at talking about what is in my head but give the me tools to write and it will all fall out and at the moment I need to this.

So, after my post about Things as they are at the beginning of September where I had been for an ultrasound and been told my left, remaining ovary wasn't 'normal' and being refused for funding to have any eggs frozen as a back-up-plan, I have been thrown back into the system.

Last Wednesday I had a laparoscopy, which is a camera in through the belly button to have a look around. I was under GA again and this time, knowing what to expect I tried to fight the icy cold liquid as they pumped it in through my veins. Obviously you can't fight it and I won't up two hours later on a morphine high. I spent a few hours in recovery again - I am clearly unable to manage any level of pain as I was watching women come in and out of recovery whilst I was still laying there with the world spinning. After getting back to the day surgery ward and sleeping of the GA and the morphine I was visited by my consultant who told me that I have a 5cm cyst on my left ovary so it will all have to come out. He said he wanted to see me within two weeks and then left. I think I fell back to sleep.

Back at home that evening it all started to sink in. Whilst he said that he will write to the fertility clinic to get the Hampshire Primary Care Trust to review their decision following the new findings, I now have massive doubts that any of this is actually going to come together.

Thursday and Friday were hard. I peeled off one of the dressings on my belly and cried. I do not have a small little incision, I have a gash that has been stitched poorly and left me with a ridge of skin, I looked and felt like I have been butchered.

And whilst friends were meeting and supporting Twitter Friend Gray on his awesome Tweetathon, all I could do was watch. It was the IOW Festival all over again - me being unable to move, in pain whilst friends were together having a good time. But I sucked it up and did what I could from my bed to help the fantastic cause.

Now one of the things that I extremely grateful for, is having a friend who is a medical student. In her final year, Peta has been an absolute star in helping me to understand what the big words on pieces of paper mean. She has come along to nearly all of my appointments and explained what consultants are actually saying. Last night, over dinner she was reading my discharge notes and what was actually found last Wednesday and told me exactly what it meant. In the most simplest form; I don't think my insides are very baby-making friendly. Words such as: bulky uterus, polypoidal endometrium, adhesions, nodularity etc mean that my insides are a bit of a mess, let alone Derek's bastard love child growing on my left ovary which has grown to golf-ball size in less than two months.

Talking with Carl last night, who has been an absolute rock of support we were discussing the what ifs and some decisions that might have to be made. Do we want to get eggs or an embryo frozen and implanted at a later stage knowing that my insides are not very welcoming and may not work. Do we do it as a back up knowing that egg stimulation and the whole process can be painful and if unsuccessful - heartbreaking? Do I go with my gut instinct that I will not be able to have a child naturally and request to have it all taken out?

There are so many questions and so much to think about. I have another appointment with the consultant on the 18th November when I will hopefully know more and understand what needs to happen. My head is full with the what ifs and the thing that makes me the saddest is that I might not be able to give my mum the grandchild she craves. I mean naturally as we have already discussed adoption and if I can't have children then this is what we will do - there are far too many babies out there needing to be loved.

There is also work to think about. It is almost certain that I will have to be cut open again to have the cyst removed and that it won't be able to be done through key-hole. This will be another six-weeks recovery time and maybe longer as it is only 6months since the first operation, let alone the two little holes and one gash I have in my tummy from last week. Hopefully though it will be OK as I will have my apprentice with me AKA Flossy who starts full time with me next week as The Marketing Collective's Junior Marketing Executive. I can not wait. Not only working with my sister but also the pressure it takes of me and the projects and work that I know we will be able to achieve. She has helped me for the last couple of years and knows the business. She is confident and I know she is going to do extremely well. There will be ground rules and I will be her boss and not her sister during office hours - for me as much as for her! I fully expect to see her on The Apprentice in a few years!

Wow, this feels better; 'stuff' is out of my head. I know all will be OK and as it is meant to be. I am strong and I have an amazing support network around me so what ever will be - will.

Maple Stars

2011-11-03T09:11:00.001Z

Yellow maple stars fall from the sky

Blustery angles and sweeping breezes

I want to be walking

With the stars amongst my feet

The ground rich with colour

The air sweet in smell

If I could catch a falling maple star

I would make a wish

That you are by my side

With our own little stars to watch

Birthday treats

2011-10-21T17:39:00.008+01:00

It has taken me a week to find the time to sit down and write about what an amazing birthday I had last weekend.

I love October (and that isn't just because of it being my birth month) because everything smells, feels and looks different, almost more relaxed. October is perfect for bumbling around cities, going for walks, dinner with friends, having afternoon tea and inhaling proper home-cooked, home-grown food complemented with a nice deep glass of red wine.

And I did all of this to celebrate my 32nd Birthday, here are some highlights:

My amazing hand-drawn birthday card from Carl with the message: 'When a Geek makes a cake, he uses a plan, not a recipe' And what cakes he made too! 20 delicious and beautifully decorated cupcakes - he had the help of a few of the girls and by what I gather there was some production line in process full of glitter, icing and pigs! But they were amazing.

My extra special and ultra amazing present from Carl was a laser-cut print from my favourite Artist, Rob Ryan along with a Thank you card and note from Rob himself. Absolutely stunning and very overwhelming - I am one very lucky girl.

And to finish the Rob Ryan theme and the continuing list of thoughtful pressies from my family and friends, Lucy and Ally bought me his latest book, 'A Sky Full of Kindness', a beautiful bedtime story that in no doubt will leave me in tears. I can see it being a book that I will read to my children and grandchildren which makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.

The weekend was truly special and I have never felt so spoilt and loved.

Thank you to my Mr Man Carl, my family and my lovely girlies and friends.

P.s... Can we all do it again soon? x

Survival

2011-10-12T18:58:00.003+01:00

She must be scared and she must be overwhelmed with sadness at what may happen. She is stuck in the middle; her child and the one she vowed to be with for the rest of her life.

History is repeating itself. Her first born flew as soon as her wings were ready; never looking back.

Fight or flight.

This time it is not as easy, the young is his own flesh and blood. He wants to protects, he tries to love but doesn't understand the beauty of unconditional love. He rages and torments, never seeing good, only finding the bad. The young reacts. She is strong-minded (much like him) and fights her corner with uncontrolled tone. The tension builds and the air thickens as the house becomes smaller.

Fight or flight.

And all the time, she looks on - stuck and unheard.

Today

2011-09-23T19:20:00.003+01:00

a brave face and confident smile

september sun reflecting thoughts

familiar smells transporting wishes

gentle breezes carry lazy dreams

deep inside a yearning grows

broken hopes and tired scars

autumn pulls close those that love

to share the fear of never knowing

The lesson of the pink slippers

2011-09-20T13:06:00.003+01:00

We can all be paranoid-androids at times, worrying about what others think and how they may perceive us.

I think I am having a particularly *sensitive* time at the moment and getting a more than little frustrated at how others perceive me or don't.

A time with an ex boyfriend sticks in my mind and when I feel like this I remember the scene and his words: "What other people think of you is their business and not yours". He said this whilst we walked around Eastleigh to pick up some lunch whilst he was wearing my pink fluffy slippers. I was embarrassed but in hindsight, I have learnt a lot from his attitude of not to worry about what people may think.

I am remembering that day today whilst battling with the urge to shout my side of the story. To set a few people straight with things that have happened, happening and that certainly haven't happened. But that will take time and energy and really, do those people care? Are they actually interested in the reality? I don't think so and if they were - I don't think it would make any difference. People form sides, make their own minds up and judge as they wish. What they think of me is none of business and I should just try to bury the thoughts and remember that I am a good person and all the people I love and care about already know that - I don't need to try and convince anyone else.

Now... where are those pink slippers.....

Things as they are

2011-09-12T21:57:00.003+01:00

I think I have mentioned before that I have a book of quotes and lines from things that have moved me or resonated with the way I feel. Some are from books, some songs and even from people I know who have uttered small words of wisdom and insight.

There is one quote that has been playing on my mind since last Tuesday and that is that 'things are as they are'. Think of water trickling down a stream. It responds to what is there with effortless action. It isn't bothered by the stones or twigs that are in the way; it doesn't try to move them or struggle over them, it just goes around them. The water accepts things as they are and gets on with it.

Last Tuesday I had a follow-up ultrasound and the news was not the greatest. I was told that my remaining ovary "doesn't look normal at all" and that it has several white 'flecks' around it - some bigger than others. I also have a large fibroid and lots of polyps. Basically, my insides are a bit of a mess. After what seemed a long screening, the Doctor explained and then said to me that I would never fall pregnant whilst all that was inside. Geeee thanks! So, back into the system I go whilst the consultants decide what to do. The following day I had my meeting at the fertility clinic who told me they have declined any funding for any IVF treatment as a back-up following Derek's disruption. My head exploded. I mentioned the results of the previous day (which he was unaware of because he hadn't read the report!) and was told that if my consultant decides to remove the left ovary sometime soon then there may be more of a case to try and get funding for a round of treatment. Otherwise, the cost is over £4000 or available on the NHS if nothing has happened after 3 years of trying. My head exploded again. I am back in the hands of my consultant - if he decides to get me in for more surgery and remove the left ovary then I have a chance of funding, if he wants to leave it in and keep it monitored, well, I don't think it, (as in babies) will happen.

Something seems a little against me but I haven't let it get to me. I feel sad but also positive that it will happen one day in some way. I can't change my insides or make them better, I just have to go with the flow and trust in that things are as they are.

On a more cheery note, but still in a bit of a deep thought. I have been touched and moved this weekend after spending 3 days with lovely friends and meeting new ones at Bestival.

I tried to not think about the appointments and results but instead danced and sang and enjoyed myself. I never went far from Carl, I think we became a little more connected after the results and just wanted to be constantly close - for reassurance in that everything will be ok.

I had a moment on Sunday evening, well a couple in fact as Robyn took to the stage and ended her set with 'Every Heartbeat' I blogged about what the song means to me some time ago (Thinking back thinking of you) But seeing her live, hearing those words "but I don't look back" filled me with so much emotion that I burst into tears. I haven't looked back and even now, with everything, I know that I have made the right decisions and that I have to trust in things as they are.

And my highlight? It has to be Brian Wilson on Friday afternoon. He may be old and his voice may be giving up but the man is a genius and as the sun shone, I sang and danced without a care in the world.

Thank you to everyone who made the weekend special x

A year on...

2011-08-18T12:29:00.002+01:00

Time flies when you are having fun or if you are a busy little bumble bee.

This month it will have been a year that I was made redundant from Walking Distance as it went into liquidation. That was Friday 13th August and the day after I registered my company, The Marketing Collective and spent August 2010 working my behind off to get set up a new business so that clients and projects could continue.

A year on and I could not have asked for more. The Marketing Collective has done really well in its first year. I have produced four successful publications and taken on new clients - some within the tourism industry and some not. I have exceeded my expectations of turnover in the first year and been overwhelmed with the support from clients and the reputation that is being built.

I haven't done it alone, I have had friends, family and colleagues helping me along the way and I truly feel I have a great team of freelancers who are as dedicated to The Marketing Collective as I am.

It hasn't been easy. I worked my socks off in the first four months which resulted in a meltdown in January and the failure of a work/life balance, well not actually having any 'life' put me into a cycle of depression in early 2011 - overwhelmed with all that needed doing and the isolation of working and living on my own.

As I was coming into the brighter times, I had the stress of Derek and the disruption of having major surgery and being signed off work for six-weeks. During this time I was still able to 'knock out' a publication, one of which I am very proud of.

I have tried to take some time off during August, to try and relax and to plan the next year, which is going to be just as busy. I have also used it as a time to thank friends, family and colleagues for their support and to celebrate.

13 is meant to be an unlucky number and Friday 13th is well avoided by the superstitious. For me 13 is lucky. It was the day my life changed in more ways than one. Not only with work and a new direction but also in love. It was the first say I spoke to someone very special - someone else who has also changed my life dramatically, but more about that another time.

But for now, work/life/love has the perfect balance and it is only going to get better!

Perfection

2011-08-08T16:25:00.001+01:00

A sun kissed arm
Tangled around your neck.
Reflections of the river
Shimmer on your shades
The gentle touch
Of fingertips and breeze
Dance through covered blonde
Soft lips against
Cherry red with chosen words
To learn and love

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Fear

2011-08-01T20:09:00.003+01:00

I found a letter, that was more of a promise.

my heart pounded and eyes skipped over words

each commitment, a lie that was masked

from the very beginning, I should have known

that the struggle was power, the energy was anger

fearful of words, never knowing the right ones

to say or to hold close, only until now,

I realise that the power was a flicker

for a light that was ignited and burned intensely

overwhelming even at distance, where heat bubbled

and gave a purpose to life

When words fail

2011-07-17T13:03:00.002+01:00

Today I feel like words are my enemies. I am angry and frustrated at the use of words and how we can abuse them so easily, how the absence of one word (or two) from a sentence or paragraph can change everything. How words, within seconds of reading them can change our mood and throw us into a pit of self-doubt.

The tone of a word is hard to communicate when tension and frustration has set in. It is easier to type or text and to let the words flow without reading and checking as to whether they say what we really intend.

How many times do we proof read a text, tweet, update or message before hitting send?

Is it a sign of becoming lazy with words and putting more emphasis on the expectations of the recipient that they will 'know and understand'. Words and their interpretation should never be taken for granted but they so often are. We presume others are more aware of a situation or have inside information or are conspiring against us and we get angry and sad when the response is not what we want to hear, when in actual fact, if the response was said to us in person and we could hear the tone of voice, see the facial expressions and body language, we would know that there is no conspiracy and that people do care.

Words are powerful things, please use them with care.

Relief at last

2011-07-15T14:59:00.003+01:00

Since the beginning of April all I have wanted is to be able to take a huge breath in, fill my lungs and then exhale knowing that I am ok and that my health is back to what it should be.

Today I have finally taken that breath and my goodness it feels good.

After the last hospital appointment I was left with a decision as to whether I have my left ovary taken out after being told the disease had made a home on it, or whether to leave it, plan my future i.e children, as normal and just keep the left ovary monitored. I was a mess after that appointment. I had wanted to get some closure on the last few months and know that I could move on but I was told that the left ovary already had the disease so to me, the saga has still been continuing.

HOWEVER...

This afternoon I have been to see Mr Metcalf, (who was unavailable last time so I saw one of his colleagues) I went with confidence to let him know what I had decided - to removed the left ovary and have some eggs frozen for a future time. He looked a little shocked at that and advised me that I shouldn't. As he started to explain about the little 'node' that shown itself on my left ovary it turned out that they didn't just take a biopsy of it but they cut it out of my ovary. So, there was me thinking after the last appointment that I have another little bugger (who had been named Eric) and have been worrying since about how and when it might grow, when in actual fact - I have nothing! There are no more nasties in my body and I do not have to lose my left ovary all I have to have is an ultrasound every 4 -6 months to check make sure nothing new is growing.

INHALE.... EXHALE....

I feel like a cloud has been lifted. I am still seeing the infertility clinic next week to discuss harvesting and freezing eggs but this is going to be more of a back up plan should anything crop up and start to grow again. But, I have been told that having babies naturally shouldn't be a problem.

I have no idea why we were told this before or if we did why we didn't pick up on it. My medical friend was with me last time and she was of the same understanding. I spent that Friday sobbing my little heart out for nothing.

Today I have done what I wanted to do three weeks ago - skip out of the hospital feeling positive and happy.

And now I can properly draw a line under it and get back to being me.

DEREK THE CYST

___________________

DONE

The Fine Line

2011-06-28T22:28:00.003+01:00

we tiptoe on faint lines

a tightrope of emotion

and a balance to fine to reach

a strong step forward

then two unstable back

never fully reaching

the potential of the end

anger and frustration

as forces knock and push

we reach out our arms

waiting to be held

wanting to be caught

there is no helping hand

from within

the strength will come

The Decisions of Life

2011-06-25T14:52:00.005+01:00

I was hoping that my follow-up hospital appointment would give me some closure on the last few months of Derek's rude invasion of my body.

Yesterday's appointment didn't give me that and instead it gave me a serious amount of thinking to do and some very difficult decisions to make.

The pathology results showed that Derek was a Borderline Ovarian Tumour (BOC). I was told by the consultant not to look on the Internet because the information is very limited and in most cases, explanations of BOC include the word cancer. He stressed it is important to know that I didn't and don't have cancer. This was and is a huge relief and I think a giant cloud has lifted from my family and friends. But it is still very hard to understand what Derek was - apparently it is so complex that even doctors don't fully understand. My lovely friend Peta found this for me though:

What is borderline ovarian cancer (BOC)?
BOC is probably best defined by what it is not. ‘Ordinary’ ovarian cancer is when cells grow uncontrollably on the surface of the ovary and are able to spread to other organs. Most cases of ordinary ovarian cancer are found at an advanced stage (stage 3 or 4). This is when the cancer has spread beyond the ovary. Although BOC arises from the same type of cells on the surface of the ovary, their growth is much more controlled, and they are usually not able to invade other tissues.
For this reason, some doctors prefer the term ‘borderline ovarian tumour’ rather than ‘borderline ovarian cancer’.
Because BOC behaves in a much less aggressive way, in most women the condition has not spread beyond the ovary when it is diagnosed (stage 1 disease). This means that for women who have had surgery to remove an early disease, the risk of it coming back is very small (less than 5%). Most experts recommend that no special follow-up is needed after surgery for stage 1 BOC.

It then goes onto explain that there are some difficult cases and of course, I am one of those:
- Stage-1 borderline ovarian tumours in young women treated with limited surgery to allow you to keep your ovary. There could be an increased risk of the disease coming back in the ovary you have kept.

I already know that there is a smaller version of Derek (now named Eric) on my remaining left ovary so the disease has spread. It was always the plan from when originally discussing with my consultant Mr Metcalf, that we would do the procedure in stages, giving me the chance to think about fertility options etc.

It was always more my worry that I wouldn't be able to have children and that it would be taken away from me, so to be faced with the reality that I now have those decisions to make, is all very overwhelming.

I have two options: I can either leave little Eric where he is, have him monitored regularly and try to conceive naturally and when I am ready to. I can have some eggs frozen also and to keep them as a back up plan if Eric suddenly grows at the same speed and I have to have my left ovary removed.
The other option is to have my eggs frozen asap and to have the surgery to remove my remaining ovary at the earliest possible chance. This will ensure that all the 'nasties' are out and I have no risk of the tumour spreading onto other areas in my pelvis (such as my bowel) which will involved greater surgery.

I cried all afternoon yesterday. All I wanted was for it all to be over; to come away from the hospital with a clean bill of health and to know what it is all behind me. I think until I have more surgery it is always going to be at the back of my mind that I have something 'alien' inside me. There are too many what ifs to leave it there - what if it suddenly grows, what if I fell pregnant and the hormones made it grow at speed - how would that affect the baby, what if it does spread.. what if... what if....

In three weeks time I have to go back with my decision, which at the moment is to have it all removed as soon as possible and to have some eggs frozen for when I am ready. I don't want to rush anything or feel under any pressure to have children before I am really ready to.
And if it doesn't work and I can't have children well that is something that I will have to deal with when it happens.

At the moment I am just very thankful for a such a loving and supportive family and circle of friends.

The melting of Little Miss Independent

2011-06-21T23:23:00.004+01:00

When I went in for my operation, I knew that the recovery was going to be hard. I knew that I would be in pain and that I would be limited to what I can and can't do. But I don't think I fully appreciated how hard it would be.

Living on my own for the last four years has meant I have become very independent. I like my own space and I like being on my own. Some say I have isolated myself slightly over the years but I have been comfortable with my own company. I do things on my own, in my own time and I answer to no-one. I look after myself and I am someone that people turn to for a chat, cuddle or to vent so inevitably end up looking after other people too. In my family I have always been the one that sorts everyone else out, the one stuck in the middle of arguments and the go-between for people.

I have never been the one people fuss over or look after. So Derek's surgical removal has thrown me into a state of flux. I don't know how to cope or accept people wishing looking after me.

On my first day at home the girlies took it in shifts to be with me which was lovely and I did nothing but lie on the sofa, but even the company and having activity in my house felt unusual and something I was not used too. I sound like such a loner, but perhaps that is what I have become, part of me wanted to scream and just switch everything off to be on my own, but I couldn't so I had to welcome the fuss and just let my friends get on with what they wanted to do for me and it eventually it felt comfortable.

I have loved the closeness that has come back into my relationships with my friends. After 6 months of stress and depression following the business being set up, I pushed myself deeper into my safety cave and friendships had become strained and a little damaged. I was worried I had lost them but over the past two weeks I have never felt closer to my friends and I feel the bonds are as strong as they were a year or so ago. So I have one thing to thank Derek for!

This week, albeit only Tuesday, I have done too much already. I can see that the skin is healing on my stomach and I have a nice (and quite beautiful scar) but I forget the lower levels. I forget that my tummy has been cut and held open, muscles pulled and cut and parts of me taken away. These layers will take longer to heal and I am not helping them. I know that, but I find it so very hard to sit and do nothing. I feel panicked if I don't work, I feel stressed that if I slow down now, I will never get the drive back to push the company and its products forward.

I am not doing myself any favours. I know that. But how do I stop being a stubborn, independent woman?

Tonight I have been completely overwhelmed by the love and friendship of those around me. I never expect fuss and to be honest, I am not sure I like it or know how to deal with it. I feel uncomfortable when people spoil me - mainly because I have never had it. Don't get me wrong, my family is very loving and I rarely went without but being fussed over by others is hard to accept and I really do think that I am not worth all the effort.

So for friends and loved ones to rally around me, to be checking in on me, bringing me food, turning up on my doorstep out of the blue to help with work, sending friends to check on me, texting every day, calling, doing midnight painkiller drug runs and to generally be looking after me has been amazing and without sounding too cheesy, a little bit life changing.

And with one very special person filling me with love, affection and spoiling me with life's little delights, I hope that I can soon start to feel more at ease with being loved.

Thank you to Carl, Lucy, Ally, Laura, Anna, Peta, Jade, Lou, the #recoverymafia of Twitter and my wonderful family.

Another Sunday

2011-06-19T18:49:00.002+01:00

my heart sinks
as your lips touch
glass

another sip
a tongue poisoned
hurt

words slur
as eyes roll with
sadness

surrounding faces
bitten tongues holding
regret

tempers bubble
in the place of
love

these are the times
you will never get
back

A week on

2011-06-15T12:15:00.002+01:00

It seems a little surreal that it was this time last week I was lying in a hospital bed waiting for my operation. It seems like yesterday but at the same time it seems longer ago.
This time last week I had sent my support team home (who had been complete rocks all morning keeping my spirits high) and I was snoozing on the bed in the Day Surgery ward waiting for 'my turn' with the knife. I was so tired I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the hard plastic covered pillow; I woke an hour later by producing a massive snore that not only woke me up but also meant that as I opened my eyes, the ladies on the other beds and nurses were staring at me.

At 2pm my turn had arrived. I was wheeled into a room where three people got to work on me straight away. One squeezing my arm to get my veins up, the other putting in a cannula and another attaching heart monitor pads. I remember facing two double swing doors which were the entrance to theatre; I felt like I was on a ghost train waiting for the ride to start. The nurse squeezing my arm asked me what I did for a job, I replied and that was it. I was under.

The next thing was me coming round, or trying to. I remember screaming with pain and shouting that it hurt. I knew then that I had not had the keyhole surgery but the open tummy surgery. The room was spinning as the nurses worried about my response levels. I was told my mum was upstairs refusing to go home until she saw me and that I had been in recovery for 5 hours because of respiratory problems. I pushed myself to come to in order to see my mum.
They took me up to the ward around 9pm, I saw mum and Flossy, told them I loved them (apparently my eyes were huge due to the morphine) and then fell asleep.

It wasn't the best night sleep. My obs were done every 15 minutes to start with so was constantly giving an arm and pushing my morphine button. My tummy felt sore and my muscles were agony. All day Thursday I felt as though I have done thousands of sit ups. Mr Metcalf came to see me and explained they had not been able to continue as keyhole because Derek was so big so they cut me open, removed the critter along with my right ovary and took a series of biopsies including one from my left ovary as there is something suspicious there too. A nurse then gave me a wash and made me get up out of bed which was almost impossible due to feeling sick and dizzy. That was enough for the day.

My visitors came and I cried when they left because they were all to the Isle of Wight festival and I should have been going with them. Instead I was stuck, in pain and feeling helpless.
Friday I came off all my drips but I was as white as a ghost. I scared myself. Two blood tests later and I was confirmed anaemic. Generally your blood level should be over 100, mine was 67. Mr Metcalf was a little baffled as apparently I hadn't had a 'massive' bleed during the surgery but I was losing blood from somewhere. That evening I had two units of blood transfused into me. I felt like a vampire.

Saturday morning I could have bounced out of bed. I had colour and I was excited that I felt so much better. The blood had done the trick. The girlies came to visit which was a highlight and I felt as though we could have been in a Sex and the City, or Friends episode - the giggles and conversation from the Day Room were awesome, although I was exhausted by the end of the day.

Sunday, the doctors were happy with my recovery and progress and let me home. Amazing to think after major surgery I was going home after only 72 hours in hospital. What they do is truly amazing.

Being a patient is going to take some getting used to. I am stubborn and I hate sitting still. I find it awkward being looked after and fussed over and even having company for a whole day freaks me out a little. My family and friends have been amazing and I love them all very much.

I am so looking forward to being healthy and back to myself for the summer - bring it on!

Getting it off my chest

2011-05-25T13:44:00.002+01:00

I am having a 'life is unfair' and a 'why me' moment.

I have been trying to be upbeat and positive about Derek the stupid f***king cyst for the last 8 weeks, keeping my head above the water, cracking on with work and remaining strong. But now I am feeling angry, upset and extremely fed up and wondering when I will actually get a break from the crap that life keeps on throwing at me. I get described as resilient a lot, yes I bounce back, I keep going and I will work hard to get things done and to achieve what I want to, but every now and then, I just want a break and I want to be able to sit back and have a head full of nothing other than the positive and lovely things that are happening in my world. Don't get me wrong, there are lovely things happening but at the moment, they are over-shadowed by my ever-increasing stomach.

I am uncomfortable, in pain, my legs hurt with shooting pains, I am tired and I am absolutely shitting myself about the operation. Three weeks ago, I was at a 40% chance of having ovarian cancer… and told I could end up having a hysterectomy.

Yeah life goes on and I WILL be ok but I am scared, I don't want either of those things but I am fearing and preparing for the worse. So another two weeks of waiting and thinking about it all is going to be hard.

I am so upset that I won't make the Isle of Wight Festival, I have been looking forward to it for months now - being there and hanging out with some amazing friends (most of which are all thanks to Twitter) and seeing my sister at her first festival. I wanted to be singing to the Kings of Leon as the Sun went down, drinking beer and sharing laughs and experiences with my friends.

Instead I will be in a hospital bed with tubes and wires and a lovely big scar drinking crap tea and eating mush.

I will stop moaning now. I have spent a good couple of hours sobbing and feeling sorry for myself.

I now have it out of my system and I will focus and look forward to having a healthy summer. I might just have to have a mini-festival in my garden. I do know that I will be having some lovely trips away and I will be organising a big party in August as a 'goodbye/good riddance Derek - 1st birthday of my business - thank you to all my friends & family for support over the last 12 monist' party.

Now that IS something to look forward to.

And @ljattrill, @CarlTheGeek, @TheLongTallAlly, @SisterLedge, @DiaryofaLedger and all the other twitter friends who are going... think of me when this is played please..

The Courteeners - Take Over The World

A picture says a thousand words

2011-05-17T19:47:00.004+01:00

And in all of these, I was holding my stomach in...

Sunsets

2011-05-15T17:21:00.003+01:00

The end of the earth was happening as we hit the motorway. The sky to the west flaming with vibrant yellows, pinks and burnt oranges. The clouds disguised as smoke as the sun set fire to the horizon.

We headed north on an adventure, leaving the doubt to burn with the sun.

The next step

2011-05-06T14:32:00.002+01:00

This morning I have been to see Mr Metcalf at Princess Anne hospital to talk and discuss the next steps of Derek's life inside me. I didn't know what to expect so hadn't really prepared myself or thought of any questions. Mum came with me, as did my lovely friend Peta who is in her 3rd year of medical school; I am so glad she came.

I was first seen by one of the consultants who basically said I was having to make a choice - whether I wanted a hysterectomy to remove it all or to do it in stages. I wasn't prepared for that. He asked me my age to which I replied "29", to which Peta responded "No you're not", I have no idea why I said 29; I am 31 but it broke the ice a little and we all had a giggle at my nervous stupidity.

I said that I do want children and that I would like every chance so for the procedure to be done in stages. I didn't like him, he seemed to not know much and scared me. I talked to the cancer support person from Winchester who sits in on all consultations. She gave me her card and said I can call anytime with any concerns.

We were then taken to see 'the Boss Man', Mr Metcalf who will be doing the procedure. Again, we talked about wanting children and whether I give him permission and will trust his judgement if he opens me up and feels that both ovaries and my uterus should be removed. If I had thought I would be asked these questions, I would have given it more thought. But as my mum said, my health comes first.

Mr Metcalf had a feel Derek and we discussed that it *could* be endometriosis as many of the symptoms are the same. But, he won't know this until they see it. So the plan is that if will get is colleague - Adam Moors who is a specialist in endometriosis to be with him when I go into surgery (lucky me I get two surgeons!!) I will have a lapraoscopy with a camera to see if it endometriosis, if it is Mr Moors will continue with the procedure and if it isn't then Mr Metcalf will take over, open me up and remove Derek who has eaten my right ovary. If the left side is looking troublesome, he will not remove but will wake me up first so that I can discuss fertility options - harvesting eggs etc and I will then go back to have the rest removed.

All a lot to take in. If it isn't endometriosis (en - do - meat tree - oh -sis, for the purpose of my mum who can't say it properly) then the risk of it not being malignant is 60 / 40. The odds are still pretty close and we got the impression that they still have no real idea as to what it is.

At least I have a date to work towards which means I can plan work, get my hair cut (because I want to look my best) and fill myself with positive vibes. I am keeping my fingers crossed that it is endometriosis but I won't know until I come round from the anesthetic and whether find a scar or not.

Silence

2011-05-02T13:42:00.003+01:00

Another Friday and another call from the hospital.

I am still an 'uncertain' and a 'borderline' case.

It is easy to deal with when I have something to take my mind off things, when there are friends who keep me busy so I don't have to think.

But when they go home and the silence surrounds; I think.

The what ifs, the maybes and the what will I do thoughts consume

All I can think is that in life, there should be no regrets.

A dip

2011-04-27T16:43:00.002+01:00

with happiness there comes pain

with love there comes frustration

Today is not a good day.

Frustration on so many levels; I don't want to wait and be patient.

I want to be able to be free of the burden and able to say how it really feels.

Waiting in their hands

2011-04-26T15:10:00.002+01:00

Today I sat in yet another waiting room, waiting for another scan and test. It appears that every week I have a new thing to experience within the realms of the hospital. It has been nearly five weeks since I first found the lump AKA Derek and although that seems a while ago now, everything does seem to be happening as quite quickly.

I have had an ultra sound, internal examination, MRI scan and a CT scan. Surely that is enough for the the doctors to know exactly what Derek is and the best way to remove him; but it appears not.

On Friday, my case will be discussed at an MDT (a multi-disciplinary meeting) where they will decide what I have done, my risk factor and how it will be dealt with, and of course, where I go to have it done. The consultant called me last Monday to go through what needed to happen next. At that stage, the MRI scan still hadn't given them enough information so the CT scan was being booked. I tried to take everything in as she talked about the type of cyst and that it was complicated and that I would have to lose my right ovary. Because Derek is so big (the size of a melon) they can't quite see my left ovary so that is uncertain at the moment. But, she has reassured me that they know I am young and have not had children yet so will do everything they can. She also talked about pre-cancerous changes, raised hormone levels and the surgery.

It was all very scary and saddening and still is.

My thoughts drift between positive and the slightly morbid, there is no level ground. I am noticing children, families and couples a lot more; wondering whether I will get to have that or whether it just isn't meant to be. All the things I have wanted the most for a long time feel to be in the hands of a group of doctors and there isn't much I can do but sit it out and wait.

I would be lying to say I wasn't worried or scared but I am very thankful for my lovely family and friends, both in real life and those online in Twitterland. I know the support is there and that I will be OK with lots of people holding my hand.

For now, I am focusing on the business, trying to get ahead of myself for when I have to spend time in hospital and trying to get as much rest and sleep as possible so recovery can be as quick as possible.

After all, I have a festival to go to in June!

Thanks everyone x

Darkness

2011-04-20T14:13:00.000+01:00

you live in the shadows
always knowing
never known
surrounded by hope
yet consumed with fate
every twist and turn
forced contemplation
of future stories
and tales to tell
the happy ending
yours to take
all I ask
is to give me time

These words are mine

2011-04-10T21:27:00.005+01:00

With my words
I can never tell
the truth behind
what is felt

Twist and turn
my fierce temptation
to pour and spill
then crash and burn

Take what you will
from the style of
my expression
fluid and never still

Words appear
for no-one but me
the reason and truth
are for me to fear

The truth about Derek

2011-04-03T18:30:00.005+01:00

My life seems to be a constant roller-coaster. There never seems to be a period of calm and of constant well being and satisfaction, there always seems to be 'something' going on.
Just as I was starting to come out of the big dip and loop-the-loop, feeling more positive and in control of work, relationships and life, the track has shifted and I am approaching another scary section of the ride.

Last Tuesday in Pilates, when lying on my stomach attempting to do an exercise, I noticed a hard lump in my stomach. At first I though I was lying on one of the jelly type balls we use or that my top was scrunched up under me. There was nothing there yet it felt like I was lying on something. I was very uncomfortable and very worried; all manner of things crossed my mind as I felt how hard my stomach had become and the shape of the random mass.

I arranged an appointment with my doctor on Thursday who seemed equally as baffled but referred me for an urgent ultrasound. Always reassuring when in a doctors room and he is frantically writing URGENT and underlining it several times on a referral fax.

Luckily there was a cancellation on Friday and I could whiz up to the hospital for a scan but not before drinking a litre of water. I have never been so desperate to pee and with the appointment running late, I was fit to burst to the extent that I could hardly walk or talk. The lovely Lucy was an absolute star in trying to take my mind of the fact I was about to wet myself... in actual fact, I think I agreed to join the WI!

The ultrasound revealed what they think is an ovarian cyst and at 20cm wide, it is not a small bugger. I cried. The thought of having something that big inside of me was a shock. So many questions flew through my mind but none that could really be answered.

So, the next dip is the fact that I will have to have an operation to remove the cyst, which I have named Derek... perhaps a bit wrong and sick, but hey! I need to make light of it - it is the way I deal with things. Besides, my friend told me that sometimes cysts grow teeth and hair, which is WRONG, so I have an image of a little Pac Man inside me, it felt right to name it. (Why on earth she told me that - I have no idea!!)

This is going to mean time off from work which is going to be a challenge especially when everything is picking up again with new projects and I need to jump on some opportunities. But, health DOES come first and I will just have to do what I can, when I can. Am certainly going to have to work hard this coming week to get as much off the ground and ready as possible.

Just another thing to deal with but I have lots of lovely family and friends to help me out and keep me positive.

Time will wait

2011-03-28T21:41:00.001+01:00

Time is a funny thing. We own it yet we give it away without thinking. We live our lives at the mercy of time, always having to be here there and everywhere.

It occurred to me, or rather it was pointed out to me on Friday that I am not bothered by the time.

I always used to be. I used to panic and become so stressed if I was late. If we (as in the ex and I) had to be somewhere at a certain time - even if it was just chilled drinks with friends, I would precision plan so we were there dot on time. However, we never were, and despite the stresses and planning, we were always late.

Our house, which is now my house was covered with clocks. Every room had one that ticked and chimed. We have weather stations with digital clocks in the bedroom, spare room and lounge. The ex would ensure that the clocks were accurate to the second, often dialling the speaking clock to get it right.

On Friday, I hosted a comedy night with the lovely Grant Sharkey on his Calm Down tour - basically he is going to people's living rooms and performing comedy. It was fab and I loved having all the girls over, cooking for the masses, drinking and having a giggle. As well as Grant, we had Simon, The Mentalist who confused and baffled the hell out of us with his tricks and mind reading. It was Simon who pointed the time thing out to me by saying: 'Do you realise that not one of your clocks in your house has the right time?'
I stood and thought; he was right. At the time he was stood in front of the oven which has a clock and the microwave is above it. Both clocks tell different wrong times. The only remaining 'tick tock... Ding dong' clock which the ex was kind enough to leave behind hasn't been wound up for months and is set on 2.40... Am or pm, I will never know. I also don't wear a watch. My bedroom does not have a clock and the clock in my car is wrong.

The only objects I have with the correct time is my phone and computer.

Yet, I am so efficient with my time and I am hardly ever late. I take the attitude of 'I will be there when I get there' and I generally am on time (I have a few friends who may disagree!)

I refuse to let time stress me out. Things happen as they are meant to and when they are meant to. By busting a gut to be there early isn't going to speed things along.

And if the clocks go back or forward and you wake not having the foggiest at what the time is, do what I did and ask Twitter (and then call my mum to double check)

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

The Roots of Me

2011-03-20T21:24:00.004Z

This weekend has been a good one. I have done all the things that I love doing and which make me who I am. Another sign that things are falling back into place and I am getting there. Here is how I have spent the weekend:

Having Flossy over to stay, the banter and giggles and then being reminded about my individuality or what she describes as 'poor dress sense'.
Coffee in the sunshine of a gorgeous new coffee house in town where I adore the owners and where I will be spending many Saturdays reading the papers and supping coffee.
Giving my mum a bunch of flowers and seeing her smile and reminded that she is special.
Baking cakes for friends to enjoy over a cuppa and a overdue natter.
Pottering about the house, tidying, faffing, moving things, cleaning and generally being a bit houseproud.
Spending hours gardening and seeing Spring take over the borders.
Chinese takeaway with Nanny C and a good natter.

(Please note that 'work' does not feature - I have had a whole weekend off!)

I also did things that a while ago, and even a few weeks ago I wouldn't have been bothered to do. Little things that were overwhelming me, I have cracked on and got it sorted. I changed a plug - the first time I have ever done that and instead of running to someone else and claiming my inability and uselessness, I had a go and did it. And when the flymo started, I might have done a little victory dance.

And then I thought about needing someone else and how things had changed. A few years ago I had someone else in my life who would fix things, cut the grass, tidy the garage, wash cars etc. Now I do it all and although there is still a lot more I could do, I feel quite proud of myself for doing and coping as I do.

I was thinking all this whilst taking a breather in the garden and I thought about how life is like a garden. Sometimes we plant seeds, we water and look after them in hope that they will grow into something beautiful. Sometimes they don't and sometimes they get so far, perhaps a few shoots and then something out of our control affects them and they fade. We never know why, we just accept it and try again, but the next time changing the variables to give it the best possible chance. Sometimes we plant shrubs and perennials which start as pretty blooms to give colour and zest. They are meant to withstand and they are meant to return year on year but not all of them do. Sometimes the environment just isn't good enough to keep them flourishing.

We are forever pruning and cutting back but sometimes not hard enough. We are just taking the tips and ends off which is ok for a while but it can promote growth in the wrong direction with new shoots left, right and centre. We need to not be scared and be more ruthless to cut back hard. Let what is underneath breathe and see the sunlight so that new life can grow from the core.

When all the old and dead has gone from the previous season and new shoots start to encourage colour, we all feel lighter, brighter and can enjoy the space much better. Every season we learn something new and there is always tendering that can be done.

Distance

2011-03-07T21:30:00.005Z

I can't remember if I read this somewhere, whether it was on a film or maybe someone said it to me, but it has stuck in my mind:

Sometimes, the longest journey is the distance between two people.

I have been thinking about this a lot recently and how vast areas of space can become wedged between two people, pushing them further and further apart. How we can live our lives with someone, share the same house, bed and lifestyle yet be so far apart that bridges are too hard to build. We become stuck in our ways and routines, gently plodding along not realising that our steps are taking us away from what we really want and desire. When we notice how far we have come along a particular road, we try to take short cuts and turn at junctions which although may seem like a fun new destination, the journey will always have to be continued. Distance has to be covered until we stop, turn around and see how far we have drifted from the person that we loved and from ourselves, and this is when we realise that we have been travelling alone. The distance is now too great that we do not recognise them, time and space has distorted faces. We have a choice as to whether to make the long journey back, ironing out the bumps in the road along with way or whether the journey ends.

Sometimes distance is all there is. There has been no moving away or coming together. It just exists as a black hole - a space of unknown from the very start and one that closes when the time is right.

The long and short of Twitter

2011-03-07T21:18:00.003Z

I put this on a shared blog but the more I read it the more I like it.

*******

140 characters to create a new you
A timeline of words
To hide behind

140 characters to say what you need
Attention, comfort
A sense of being

140 characters to break lives
Fake hellos
Twisted goodbyes

140 characters to fall in love
Words flirt
Emotions intense

140 characters to make new friends
Soul mates to care
Hands to hold

140 characters is sometimes all I have.

Spring

2011-03-03T19:00:00.002Z

The sun dances on my skin like soft kisses
across my shoulders on a Sunday morning
Bright yellow rays tease my eyelids as a spring whisper
blows through my scarlet hair.
Outside harmonies sing smiles
life awakens and fills my lungs
with a new day
and hope of another chance

Thinking back thinking of you

2011-02-25T18:10:00.003Z

We all have songs that mean something to us; whether it be the lyrics, the melody or the memory that it evokes, reminding us of happier times or perhaps of the hard times and the fact that we have come so far. There are a few songs that remind me of particular times when decisions had to be made or had been made,and that when I listened to the lyrics I felt was being given a wake up call.

I heard one of the songs today and it didn't make me feel sad or low, it made me feel strong. I have been thinking of writing about these for a while so in my effort of being more organised and cracking on with the 'to-do list', here are three songs which mean something to me:

1. Dakota by Stereophonics
(Well there had to be one 'Phonics song!) As soon as I got the LSVO album, I fell in love with Dakota. At the time I was recovering from a very low period. I had been suffering from anxiety and stress following an infection I had picked up in Thailand. I lost all confidence in myself and simple things such as Christmas shopping with my mum in Decemeber 2004 would send me in to panic attacks with a fear of being in public. I underwent numerous tests and examinations as well as counselling and mentoring in an effort to get back to myself. By the time LSVO came out in February 2005, I was getting there. I remember wearing my candy pink mac and driving to a meeting with the Spring sun starting to show itself, snowdrops and daffodils beginning to show colour. I had the window open and was singing at the top of my lungs and I rememember feeling alive and strong and that things were getting better. And they did.

2. With Every HeartBeat by Robyn
This was more about the lyrics in particular: 'We can keep trying but things will never change.' In the summer of 2006, I found out that my boyfriend of 10 years and who I had bought a house with was cheating on me. My world fell apart. I didn't do what most do in that situation - kick him in the balls and throw him out, I didn't want to let go and couldn't, so for 18 months we spun around in a circle of continued lies and pain. Every time I knew they were still in touch I would leave or he would, but then the promises of making it work would come and we would try again. I lost count of the amout of times we tried. When this song came out, I felt that the lyrics were telling me what to do but I ignored and tried to get my world back, like Robyn sings 'Maybe we can make it alright' I was too scared to be alone. But, at the end of 2007 I couldn't take it anymore, I had reached a level of mental and phyisical exhaustion, I had wanted him to decided and pull his head out of his arse and do the right thing, he couldn't so I did and he left. From then on I focused on the lyrics: 'And I don't look back' and yes it did hurt with every step I took away from an old life to a new, but it made me stronger and I have never looked back since.

3. Broken Strings by James Morrison
Again, this was a telling song for me that a relationship couldn't continue, that sometimes no matter how much you love someone, that if trust is broken and if as individuals you are broken souls then no matter what you do, no matter how you hide and fill the cracks you can't make something better. When you know that you have done all you can, when you have remained true to yourself, if you know isn't right then you stand tall, be strong and walk away.

There are so many more but these make me stop and think about how I came through things. I know there is a song on the horizon to help me through this dip. Each day is a stronger one and as I get back to myself I know there will be a song to remind me that I did it.

Tired

2011-02-24T09:44:00.002Z

Tired eyes with salty streams
Rivers of emotion
Hearts sink and hopes drown
Tides of pain
Vicious currents pull and push
words twist with deceit
Tired eyes with salty streams
is all I have

Sunday Spontaneity

2011-02-20T20:55:00.004Z

This weekend has felt like a bit of a recovery and a step forward in getting back to myself.

I don't know whether it is the result of a positive past week, or perhaps the heart-felt conversations with friends last weekend, which although (at times) was hurtful and saddening, it was also a little kick up the backside and a reminder of the special people I have in my life. It could also be the chemically-induced stability of my thoughts and processing of information and emotions, or that spring is finally in the air and colour is starting to return to the outside world.

More than likely it is all of the above together that is making me feel stronger and lighter and that I am returning to being me. The weekend has been enjoyable because I feel like I have actually taken a weekend. Today I was spontaneous and drove to Swindon (well nearer Bristol) for coffee; a sign that I am getting back to myself and seizing opportunities, not being afraid - just living for the moment.

The next couple of weekends look to be the same and I can't wait. It is good to feel the excitement again instead of the stress and anxiety around work.

As a good friend pointed out to me yesterday. I have done more already in five months than what I set out to; I have smashed targets and exceeded expectations. The business has been a success, it is a success and will continue to do so.

But now, it is time for me to reclaim some of my life back.
The balance needs to be found and each day I feel I am getting there.

Competitions

2011-02-03T13:45:00.004Z

Life is about the survival of the fittest. We all watch nature programmes where we see life having to fight to eat, drink and reproduce. It looks tough in the animal world but perhaps no tougher than ours. I am not suggesting that we are all going around ready to fight for food but life is about competition and being the best that you can in order to survive.

There is competition in business, having recently set up my own business I know that it is a cut-throat world where the bold win clients, reputations and success. Of course, there are ways in doing so. Winning respect and trust from a client is of most importance, it is about nurturing, delivering and exceeding expectations. That is how you grow a business. It isn't a quick win scenario but something that develops over time and what ensures that you survive the storms such as an economic downturn.

There is competition in love and in winning the heart of someone you care deeply about. Sometimes the competition becomes fierce. It turns people into spiteful, jealous beings who will up the stakes to ensure that they are the ones who receive first prize. Games within games start to be played with tactics then becoming about simply beating the other person and not about finding something amazing with someone, that thing that we call love.

I will fight for what I want and what I believe in but I will do it the correct manner. I will always keep the upper hand and know when enough is enough. You can only try so much but by nurturing, building trust and taking time, the opportunities continue to flourish and you survive; standing tall and feeling proud.

Fairytale tragedy

2011-02-02T15:17:00.002Z

Is it the mountain that is my heart that one has to overcome to get to the castle that us my mind? Or is the mountain my mind that one has to fight through, killing demons to reach the castle that is my heart?

Either way, it will take a brave knight to fight my enemies, slay the dragons and rescue me.

Friends

2011-01-31T17:18:00.001Z

I never thought it was possible to feel so many things at the same time.
Feeling empathetic towards a stranger, knowing their pain, their loss and anger yet feeling helpless for a friend who's world has been tipped upside down.

Someone told me people would get hurt. But we can't always stop the people we love and care about from pain. We all wish we didn't have to see others go through things, but it has to happen. They are lessons and paths we have to take. We learn, we grow and we try not to make the same errors again.

All we can do is hold a hand and offer friendship and support for when our friends when need it.

Their choices are theirs to make, we may not agree but true friends will be there regardless.

My door is always open.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Suits of despair

2011-01-25T15:06:00.002Z

surrounded by black suits
voices dull
words I don't understand
sounds I can not hear
there is only one voice
it whispers and echos
reminding me of you
I think of you, my friend
the one I have lost
to the voice
in your head
the one that tells you
that I am no good

Lyrics and Life

2011-01-23T10:49:00.010Z

We all have songs that resonate with us, no matter what is going on in our lives, there is always that song that when we hear it, we stop what we are doing and we think.
Lyrics can be so powerful. They can save us and send us on new paths. Sometimes it is as though the artist/ songwriter is writing specifically for us - as if they know what we need to hear and that we need to be reminded that how we feel - others feel the same.

I have a few songs that remind me of different times of my life and which helped my thoughts at the time, maybe I will save those for a different post! But the main song and lyrics which make me stop and which remind me of where I am and where I need to be is Rewind by Stereophonics. It is a beautiful song and reminds me that I should never compromise who or what I want to be.

In the answer to the question, if I could rewind my time, would I change my life? No, I wouldn't. All things happen for reasons and that includes the hard stuff, but sometimes, it only takes a song to remind us of that fact and that it will all be ok.

Here are the lyrics:

It's your time
It's your day
It's never too late
To change lanes
How's your life?
How's your place?
Was it where you wanted
Your head to lay?

But wait, you can breathe
You can see what I can see
Don't waste your time
You can't make back

If you could rewind your time
Would you change your life?

Do you like you?
Do you love your wife?
Or did you pick what
You're told was right?

Dream and be
What you feel
Don't you compromise
What you wanna be

'Cause change is okay
What's the point in staying the same
Regrets, forget what's dead and gone

If you could rewind your time
Would you change your life?

If Jesus rode in on a camel today
With your cross on his shoulder
Time to take you away
Have you done all you wanted?
Are you happy and warm?
Do you miss someone special
You don't see anymore?
Have you blood on your hands?
Do you dream of white sands?
Can you sleep well at night?
Have you done all you can?
The place I was born in
Stays crooked and straight
I see innocent blue eyes
Go blind everyday

Rewind your time
Would you change your life
Today?

Waves of emotion

2011-01-21T18:21:00.008Z

I can see something heading into a epic disaster.

It is like the wave that starts far out at sea, gently being caressed and moved by the currents beneath it. Without much effort or choice, it picks up speed, rolling faster and growing in size. The wave might want to stop and slow down, but it can't; the current is so strong, it has grasped the wave and won't release its hold. As it grows, every rock, ship or structure that stands in its way is hit harder and harder with a full body of emotion.

It sees safety in a shore and it stretches to reach the calm flat end. But before it is there, before the end it has to break. Every wave has its breaking point where the horses run wild, where the crash of emotion explodes and thrashes the water with anger, feeling relieved at the release.

The wave has been building for tides. All it wants, is to be set free.

A New Hope

2011-01-16T10:56:00.000Z

You hold my hand from a distance
Always there at the touch of a send
Far away but your warmth glows
Healing my pain and caressing my sigh
At times we are one, the same lost soul
Wanting to be heard, needing to be loved
Longing for life
To pervade tired blue eyes
As the bond changes and grows
New feelings and hope cement the trust,
That hand in hand
Our dreams will seen

Looking Back/Looking Forward

2011-01-02T19:43:00.003Z

I have been wondering about posting a 'Looking Back/Looking Forward' based post for at least a week now, but the tone and content of what I really want to say has changed daily. I then gave up and thought I wouldn't bother especially as I have been ill with some kind of flu/cold and not been out of bed for 5 days. As you can imagine, the post has got more and more negative as the germs took hold.

However, in this down time which I have been forced to take, I have realised a lot about myself and what needs to be 'fixed' to enable me to not only be happy but to start attracting and embracing all that I want from life. Someone made me realise that it is ok to ask for help. So I thought I would write as I know it will be important, this time next year when 'looking back'.

I did manage to drag myself out of bed on New Years Eve and spend a couple of hours with my friends to see in 2011. I am glad I made the effort - I figured feeling rotten and out would be better than in, alone and miserable. I got quite emotional at midnight as I said goodbye to 2010 which has been a hard and difficult year and tried to welcome 2011 and all that it may bring.

I am not going to go on about the bad times (there are enough miserable posts on here from the last few months) but I am going to make a list of my priorities for the next 12 months:

1. Fix what is broken and not be ashamed or scared of asking for help
2. Focus on the long term fixes - no more short terms (that includes men!)
3. Improve work/life balance
4. Stop looking so hard
5. Be open
6. Be honest - mainly with myself
7. Look after myself which means exercise, eating healthy and giving myself a break
8. Stop complaining about being lonely and do something about it
9. Protect myself
10. Learn to laugh and have fun again

Not much eh?

But 2011 needs to be about me and addressing some issues. 2010 was a lot of fun and I loved my year of being 30. I did things that I should have got out of my system when I was younger. So many experiences, giggles, great nights out and new friends but in doing that, I also lost something - not that I know what, but something is misplaced and 2011 needs to be about finding it and achieving a consistent happiness.

I am ready.

StoryTeller Memories

2010-12-30T16:10:00.004Z

I knew that it was inevitable and that I would be poorly over the Christmas break. After pushing myself for a few months and despite the advice of others, I have ignored the need for some rest before now. I figured that as Christmas was 4 days off this year, that I would wait until then but I have taken double that time because of being in bed with the worst body aches, shivers and sweats I have had for years.

I am not very good at being ill (mind you, who is?) but when you live by yourself it can make you feel all the more lonely. Just wanting that certain someone to pop their head around the door to check you are ok, someone to bring food and drink when you legs just won't hold you up and someone to cuddle and ease you to sleep.

Last night I couldn't sleep, partly because of the constant cough but also because I was panicking and thinking about work and what I need and still have to do. A vicious circle because I could not relax and I coughed more. But, it made me think to when I was poorly when I was little and the days I would spend at home tucked up in bed. It made me think of stories, bedtimes stories and how I used to love being read to (and still do.)

My nan used to read us stories when we stayed at hers. My stories were all about fairies and magic, whilst my brothers combined all the action heroes working together to save the day. But for the days that I was at home, poorly or if I couldn't sleep, I had my StoryTeller.

StoryTeller came out every fortnight and each was a magazine and tape full of magical stories. It came out between 1982-'85 and I vaguely remember going to the newsagents to collect them - at being 3/4 years old, this might be one of my earliest memories.
In trying to remember some of the characters from the stories, which often featured in more than one issue, I found this on Wikipedia which made the memories come flooding back.
I had all 26 parts of StoryTeller 1 - that is 26 tapes and magazines which I listened to all the time. The Christmas edition was one of my favourites with the adventures of Timbertwig and Bertie's Escapade. I remember loving Bernard Cribbins voice and it sending me to sleep, the same with Shelia Hancocks in the stories
of Gobbolino, the little black witches cat.

I remembered the music, particularly on the ones that I didn't like or thatscared me and the illustrations which varied in style for each story.

I remembered how much I loved snuggling down in my bed, surrounded by teddies with my cassette player, listening to stories, never tiring of hearing them - always knowing when to pause, rewind or fast forward to my favourites. I remember being soothed by stories and new worlds. I am still no different today.

My mum still has the magazines and tapes - am going to make sure I pick them up soon, so that next time I am poorly, or just need some company or sending off to sleep, I can lose myself back in magical worlds.

Emotional Storm

2010-12-29T13:58:00.003Z

I want to wrap you up
in fluffy white clouds
to rest your head
and your heavy heart

I want the sun to dazzle
on your skin
to make you smile
and to feel warm
with love

I want the rain
to wash away your
growing pain
and frustrated lies

I want you to see
through the mist and fog
that decisions must be made
for you can not weather the storm
resting on a fence

Love's Last Dance

2010-12-27T15:41:00.004Z

Chris sat on the floor against the cold radiator. His knees pulled tight into his chest, his head rested on the tops of his knees, tears streaming down his cheeks onto his arms and down across his shins. It was summer yet the air was cold as he shivered against the coolness of the radiator.
His tears had been relentless, his heart was breaking within a body already ruined and a soul that had seen far too much for his years. For one moment he feelt better for the expulsion of emotion and the next, embarrassed for the scene he was creating. He was the only one in his room so he knew that there was no reason to feel this way yet, he felt hopeless and alone.

The morning had started well. A fresh Monday morning with the summer air warm but the English weather clouds were creating a heavy burden on the day. He felt positive and up beat about what was ahead and how he was going to achieve his dreams. At seven am he climbed out of bed and lit a cigarette, inhaling the smoke, filling his lungs with a comfort which had became a routine. His life was all about the routine from getting up, smoking a cigarette, using the bathroom, making tea, eating breakfast, going for a run, showering (which had its own routine) ironing his clothes, moisturising and getting dressed. For most mornings this routine would take 3 hours, after which he would leave his flat for work or be busy chasing up the next good thing. This morning however, something was different. He couldn’t place why but he felt different and his routine didn’t flow or feel as it should. On being dressed he didn’t leave but he sat in the chair in the corner of his room. It was an old chair with a individual old smell, one that tells a story.

Three hours passed and all he thought about was her.

They had met at a hotel several months before and he had been smitten from the first time he looked into her green eyes. From that moment they had been virtually inseparable. There wasn’t a day, or hour that didn’t go by that didn’t contain a message. Talk of how they would be together one day and how they look forward to the next touch, kiss and when they no longer have to hide.
Thoughts of her and what she meant to him kept him in a stance, the activities from their most recent weekend together tore lines through his heart and laid tracks in his mind. The sequence of events that happened next was not what was expected.

At three thirty in the afternoon, his mobile rang, startling him out of his daze which had left him exhausted. The call had no name but he knew the number. It was the number that he never wanted to call or receive calls from. The call represented a part of his life that he so desperately wanted to leave behind. Chris ignored the call, his heart began to beat, anxiety flushed over his skin and presented itself in small beads on his forehead. He picked up his mobile and moved it to the other side of the room, it rang again and a third, fourth and fifth time. His dealer would not give up, not when he had money to be made. As he sat, his legs curled under him he realised that the life he was living could no longer be sustained, that there was no fight left, the belief had slipped from his fingers leaving him empty and alone.

His thoughts switched to her, his girl; the girl he loved and the girl he knew he would lose. The thoughts of her smile, her skin, the smell of her hair, the way she looked at him when they laid naked next to each other, the curve of her hips and the way she was able to entwine herself into him so that their hearts beat as one.

He was torn. They had an understanding, one of trust and honesty, it was the foundation of their relationship and it was what they both needed and deserved to start over - one last time. Chris lit a cigarette, exhaling slowly as his heart pounded, for he knew what he had to do, what he should do was tell her , he couldn’t continue on this path but the more he thought about it and the more he rehearsed the words in his head, the more smoke in the room pressed on his heart and his hope that she would understand. He couldn’t bear this pain, this burden of his life and the person he had become. There seemed only one option. It had been almost a year ago that this option was last attempted, it hadn’t worked then but now it seemed more important, for he had failed himself and her.

With a sudden sense of determination, he picked up his phone and redialled that last missed call. The instructions were clear, he was to meet in the usual place in twenty minutes. He hung up, holding his phone in his hands, he sat back in the chair, the enormity of what he had just done and what he was about to do made is breathing deep and hard. His phone buzzed, startling him from his rhythm, his pulse reverberated through his whole body as he read the message. It was her; she had text to say she was thinking of him - asking what he was doing with his day. He couldn’t reply, there were no words to say how he felt. Flipping the phone shut he placed it in his jeans pocket, picked up his door keys and left his flat.

Five minutes later the deal was done and he possessed his way out. Overhead the clouds were forming and the wind was starting to pick up, it was as though the elements were preparing the introduction; the scene being set for his last performance.

Goodnight

2010-12-27T00:31:00.001Z

I adore you
But you remind me of my past
Your heart has a new home
I can see it in your eyes
your smile
your words
Something pulls me in
to want to know
I have no place
For the hurt
Or salty tears
For what is broken
I am no fix
Short term lies
Lifelong cracks
Splinter my heart

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

A note to some people

2010-12-26T20:13:00.003Z

I am very much a people person and I love meeting new people. I think there is so much to be had in learning from others, sharing and discovering new bonds and friendships.

However, over the past few days, people have annoyed me. Maybe it is because it is Christmas and you expect more from people, but generally I feel disappointed and let down by some and I also feel used and that I have been strung along for some time.

So, in an effort to clear these thoughts and to start to clear the way for a new year (I have a week to de-clutter my head, heart and life!) here is what I have to say to 'those' people:

Person 1 -If I meant that much to you would have made effort. Not only in the form of a visit but perhaps a birthday card or Christmas card.

Person 2 - I am not your postie. Make an effort to find out people's addresses before leaving your house with your Christmas cards instead of asking me to distribute for you (for the third year running)

Person 3 - Why invite me to your house to be with people who cut me out of their lives when my ex cheated on me? OK, I understand they were 'his' friends, but to have no responses to birthday cards, Christmas cards, wedding congrats cards - I have taken the hint and therefore, I think it might be a little uncomfortable to see them again after two years. Thanks for the invite but, no thanks!

Person 4 - Why not trying putting someone else first? There is someone who is screaming for love and attention.

Person 5 - Why why why would you be so cruel and mean? If you don't have time for a relationship, don't be in one!

Person 6 - Stop talking about making plans, sorting out your head, putting a plan together for work etc etc... Less of the pessimistic attitude and get out there and make it happen.

Person 7 - Or rather the 'clique' of Twitter. I know there is more than one and that it happens but the point of Twitter is to be SOCIAL. If someone replies to a tweet, asks you a question or is trying to help; it is polite to respond. It hurts and upsets people when they are constantly ignored - people who don't deserve to feel that way.

Person 8 - I am your friend. Please don't ignore me, forget me or make presumptions.

Person 9 - You hurt me by letting me feel something that I thought you felt too.

Person 10 - Let it go. It isn't yours to have.

Reflection on 2010

2010-12-19T17:10:00.003Z

As you do this time of year, I have been thinking back over the past year and reflecting on what has been and what hasn't.

If there was one thing to describe my year, it would have to be relationships. I am not just talking about the opposite sex type of relationships but those in general that you have with people.

To some degree, I feel I have been in a constant relationship - not with the same person but certainly with the same notion. All of the relationships haven't developed beyond the 3 - 4 month stage and I now know, that it wasn't just the other person with the 'issue' but it was me also. I have come to the conclusion that I am consciously/subconsciously choosing people, albeit there is the 'connection', who aren't actually ready or willing, or have a commitment issue. But, perhaps that is because I have one. Perhaps it is because, despite what I tell myself, I am not ready to settle and I have issues with the big C. It would make sense and I know the reason why, but when I tell myself (and others) that I am over what he did to me, do I mean it and will the thing that is needed in a relationship (the big T) ever come back?

This year I have had all the reasons - not suited, distance, timing, work commitments, rebound etc etc... Am I picking these for a reason? Do I actually mind the hurt and pain when another 'something' has to end? I now don't know.

It seems relationships are intensified through texting, Internet dating, social media etc and it is hard to then make them work in the real life (whatever that is!) But then if you don't make it real, are you always wondering 'what if'? So surely it is best to try?

Maybe this is where I have gone wrong.

I know though, if I looked at myself and the reasons why I can't commit, it would be the same - timing, work etc. Setting up a business has been the hardest thing I have done so far and I am not sure people truly understand. My work and constant working has changed relationships with my family and friends. I don't get to see people as often as I like and I often (well at least over the last month) have had to cancel plans to see people because of deadlines and working every hour.

My constant work has led to utter exhaustion and a burn out. Generally Sundays are the worst days (note the day of this post!!) and I think this is because I wind down slightly yet feel so tired to be able to do anything. I miss my friends deeply and I miss the relationships I had, perhaps they haven't changed and it is all just me and my thinking but when you work on your own all day, live on your own 24/7 your mind can take over. I am sure they understand but lately, my most loneliest times are when I am with them and with people; perhaps I have isolated myself. I don't know. I have tried to make effort and keep up with things but work and tiredness has meant I have forgotten things.

So, in an effort to re-align and balance my life I am going to set my new year resolution and aim for 2011 to be to get a healthy balance and to not choose for the sake of choosing - When it is right, it will be - and it will be worthwhile. And, to not let work become between me and the people I love the most.

Falling kisses

2010-12-15T22:45:00.005Z

You have very long legs
which makes you very tall
your kisses
come from above
and drop like
snowflakes, melting
on my lips

Losing my mojo

2010-11-29T18:10:00.003Z

I can't believe that it was three years ago that I started this blog. I have no idea where the time has gone. But reading back, as I have been lately, it has been a roller coaster few years and what and how I am writing has definitely changed.

I always set out for this to be my head space and somewhere to vent, celebrate and explore but recently it has become very much a diary of my life as opposed to any attempts at creative writing. I guess that it is inevitable really with what is going on at the moment; starting a business and working on my own IS a lot harder and mentally draining than I thought (don't get me wrong, I am thoroughly enjoying it) but I don't want to think or feel that I have lost my writing mojo. Thoughts and ideas for stories and little poems used to come so easily and freely but now, well, even if something comes to me, it is straight back out there as my head fills with business 'stuff'. I have sat down so many times to write, wanting that inspiration to hit me, but nothing. Maybe those things that happen in life that inspire you to write aren't really happening to me.

I hope it hasn't gone for good and just a temporary measure whilst my brain is busy being creative spreadsheets, business plans and invoices. Any hints or tips for it not to vanish into oblivion (a bit like my supposed VAT registration) would be much appreciated.

In the mean time, I am just going to read back to some of my favourites about times finding love,
losing words , reading signs and the Rescue of Green Number 10

The truth about a situation

2010-11-21T12:39:00.004Z

This week I took a time machine. Not intentionally but I stepped in, the doors closed and before I knew it I was feeling something I hadn't felt for nearly four years.
That feeling was the hurt you feel when you know someone is not being honest.

Back then, I spent 18months searching for clues (and finding them) checking things that didn't belong to me and obsessing about knowing everything. I became a tracker and I hunted.

When I was on the wrong track I felt it as strong as it did when I was on the right one. Sometimes nothing had to happen but I knew, deep down that somewhere a particular someone was having more fun than they were meant to me.

The clues lead to truth. Truth about a situation and truth about yourself. You learn not to take 'no' as an answer and you push and push for an answer until it eventually comes out with no sense of remorse, you wish that you could shove it back into the gap it fell from. You wish that they would choke on it. You wish that maybe, if you hadn't asked and set out on this course of of self-destruct then it wouldn't all actually be happening , that maybe you HAD got it wrong.

But I wasn't wrong. I was very right and I knew it.

I still have tracker mode set and this causes issues with trust. Something that I know, for a long time, I will never fully be able to give. The feeling that you are made to feel the world, a best friend and someone wanted for life, and then to know it has been repeated and duplicated else where is soul destroying.

I am in a better place to deal with this now, and although I time travelled through feelings, I know that I don't have to be part of it.

Making the first hurdle

2010-11-12T22:16:00.001Z

In life we gravitate towards certain people. Sometimes we never know why we are drawn to others, but the pull of a friendship and that 'can't put my finger on it' feeling why you just know that you are meant to know someone, can be overwhelming.

I was told years ago that I have a lot of soul mates. Not just one, a couple or a few, but a lot. And I know it.

I have the friends that I grew up with, my best friends who still, after 25yrs of knowing each other (yes we went to playschool together) I know that I can count on them at any time and for any situation. I wouldn't necessary say they are all my soul mates, very close yes, but the friendships have changed and at some points been strained as we have grown older (which is inevitable) and sometimes I wonder whether, if meeting them today as strangers, whether we would be friends. Nethertheless, I love them dearly.

We meet people for reasons - to help us through certain chapters of our lives, whether happy, sad or challenging. There is always someone who outshines the others and no matter how long may go by without speaking, they are always there. Never doubting always encouraging.

I have a few friends who without knowing and having their help, I wouldn't have started up my business. From business advice to faith and encouragement, without them, I would have fallen at the first hurdle.

Many of the friends I feel closest to and who know me better than I know myself, are friends I have made through Twitter or become closer to as a result of. There are at least five people who I share that feeling of just 'knowing' that we are meant to be friends, that the coincidences that surround us and our experiences are more than just that and in cases it feels like we have been friends for years.

So, for helping me to get where I am today, with work and emotionally, I thank: (in no particular order because you are all ace) Lisa, Darren, Nik, Sarah, Carl, Alex, Chris, Lucy and Rich.

And to all my other lovely friends and who keep me sane, on and off-line and to the new friends around the corner.

Stick with me. I will get there.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Cool down and start again

2010-10-28T15:39:00.005+01:00

I am having a little melt down.

I know that when I set out to set up and run my own business, that it would be hard. People have been telling that this is only the beginning; it gets tough. There will be good days and bad days and some really awful and hard going days. But that they are all part and parcel to it and the rewards having my own company will all make it worthwhile. At some point. In the end.

Today is one of the really hard ones. I knew that the sales campaigns would be tough this year due to the recession and the impending cuts but it seems very little is being spent at all. I have had a few days of rejections and advertisers not repeating adverts so all I can see is the £££ dropping away. Not at all in a greedy sense but in the 'how am I going to survive post Christmas' sense. I don't have anyone to fall back on, there is no-one else to help pay the mortgage so I have to work as hard as I can to keep the revenue at the same level.

It is hard when doing it on your own. No one to whinge at, no office banter to perk you up and help you crack on with the next item on the 'to-do list'. Perhaps I am just tired and the 2 months of non-stop work have just hit me, but I can't afford to slow do or even take a break for a few days i.e the weekend.

It may not sound like it but I am loving what I am doing and I know I will get there.

Today is just a hard day. And there are plenty more to come.

As my mum would say: 'Pull yourself together girl and get on with it'

So, back to the emails and telephone calls.

What am I looking for?

2010-10-21T19:00:00.004+01:00

Sometimes, I can be in the biggest crowd of people and still feel lonely. I can be having dinner with my best friends and feel alone and misunderstood. Even amongst my family, there are times when I am an alien, desended from another planet with views and morals so different to those I have grown up.

It is days like today, where I can't put my finger on what I am missing and what is making me feel so lost and lonely. It feels like a chunk of something has dislodgded itself within me and my body can't find it to make it feel whole again.

I wonder whether I will ever find the missing piece.

Birthday wishes

2010-10-17T18:10:00.002+01:00

The warmth of your hand
As we walk
Through a sunlit forest
Of green and brown

The warmth of your smile
As we talk
Over a delicious feast
Of cream and jam

The warmth of your skin
As we lie
In an afternoon slumber
Of snuggles and kisses

The warmth of your heart
As you give
Me a perfect day
Of smiles and wishes

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Pack up your troubles.....

2010-09-27T16:56:00.003+01:00

It was all so much easier when I was younger. There were rules and procedures that were followed; to let you know, them know, yours and their friends know. You knew where you stood, they knew where they stood, it was all exciting and lovely and then someone got 'dumped'.

Yes, I am talking about the world of dating, seeing, going-out and being in a 'relationship'.

What is it all about and why now at nearly 31 years of age do I still not get it? Is it because as we get older there is less drama around dating and we can read the signs more clearly to know if something is right or not (What are those signs again?), so we deal with and I guess process people quicker; that we don't have to ask or is it just because times have changed and everyone does it differently now.

Even my sister who is 16, is in a relationship having dated, seen each other and now 'In a Relationship' It is on Facebook so therefore official.

So what is the difference? in all these stages? Do they exist or are they just excuses to be still playing the field?

Should I be asking these questions or take it for a given that after a couple of months of dating that I am now in a relationship. Do you not have to have 'the talk' where one says "will you go out with me?" and the other, playing it quite cool and calm says "Yes, I would love to"

Even my Nan is proclaiming "well they must know if they are boyfriend and girlfriend", I guess in her day, there was no 'seeing' stage, just a date and then marriage and children.

I think I am going through a 'have to know' phase where usually I am quite chilled and happy to go with the flow. But maybe that is where I have gone wrong, I haven't set the stage and asked what it is. But then isn't that a bit off-putting? A little bit keen? I mean, there has the be the element of 'playing it cool' and girls certainly do their share of that, I think I have played it subzero in the past and then the ice age has happened and everything is frozen.

I am rambling I know. But this is my head right now and I need it to be in a state of serenity.

Am thinking that it is probably not so 'cool' to be asking, but then if they are in the 'seeing' stage and you are in the 'relationship' stage is that not just spelling heartache? And then there starting the conversation, "So... ummm.... I have been thinking.... ummm, yeah are we.. you know....?" Urgh, it is painful thinking about it.

Maybe I could email it.. or ask the question on Facebook? Because that is how the kids do it!

A new record

2010-09-23T19:13:00.003+01:00

I have a favourite quote, well more of a passage really. It is one that I think about most days in one way or another and it is one that I like to pass onto people too.

It is from The Zahir by Paulo Coelho:

“It is so important to let certain things go. To release them. To cut loose. People need to understand that no one is playing with marked cards; sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Don’t expect to get anything back, don’t expect recognition for your efforts, don’t expect your genius to be discovered or your love to be understood. Complete the circle. Not out of pride, inability to arrogance, but simply because whatever it is no longer fits in your life. Close the door, change the record, clean the house, get rid of the dust. Stop being who you were and become who you are.”

I think I have spent two years learning about myself and deciding who I want to be. I truly believe that things happen for reasons (I know I have mentioned this *several* times before!) and that they happen at the right time, when we are ready.

Every hurt or rejection from a past love has happened when it was meant to. Every opportunity has come when I have been best placed to receive it and been able to seize it, whether that has been with work, meeting new people or travelling. I can see it all being part of the bigger picture; I wouldn’t go as far as saying that it is part of fate or destiny because I don’t believe in them. I believe that the choices that we make shape and nurture possibility and opportunity so that we can model our own fate.

‘....fate is half chance.... half choice’ I can’t remember who said that, but I think that choice is more than half. We decide and then we do (or not in some cases) but again that is choice, not hard –luck.

The past five weeks have been significant in me becoming who I am. I now have my own business and I am shaping and developing that to exactly what I want to do. I love it and I know I will never look back. I accept that it is going to be hard, that I will have some very long and down days but the feeling that I have when talking about The Marketing Collective is total passion and belief. I love it. I couldn’t ever imagine working for someone again. I have been set free.

I have been letting go of feelings recently too. Acceptance is a hard thing but put it into the bigger picture and I know it is how it is meant to be... a reason. And if the relationships can continue as friendships then there are plenty of seasons and a whole lifetime to look forward to.

My circle is nearly complete.

Nothing

2010-09-17T14:14:00.003+01:00

'Fireworks' He said.
There has to be fireworks. Or thunder with a spine-chilling display of jagged white lines across a jet black sky.

Nothing. She said.

She didn't know how to. She knew what she wanted to tell him. That there had always been fireworks. The most amazing display of fireworks, the type that explode, dance and flutter in her stomach. The ones that make you feel alive and in love with every moment.

Fireworks she thought.

If only he knew.

A little early and a slightly demanding letter

2010-09-03T11:43:00.002+01:00

Dear Santa,

I know I am a little early in my request, but I could really do with the following people in my life right now. Please can you wrap and deliver them to me as soon as possible (next week would be good) and I promise I will not ask for anything else for Christmas and I will be a very good girl.

Please don’t see this list as me being ungrateful for the friends and people I have in my life, I love them all dearly but they chose careers that although amazing, worthwhile and life fulfilling for them (and I can say I am very proud of them) they can’t do the following: cut my hair, massage, DIY, fix my car, provide legal advice or lend me lots of money.

So on that note, please send: Hairdresser, Beauty therapist, car mechanic, electrician, handy man, personal assistance, solicitor, accountant, IT specialist, database geek, general geek and a team of fairies/pixies/elves (I am not fussy)

If you can make them all good looking guys then even better – I won’t ask for anything next year either.

Thanks Santa
Love JO xx

The new venture

2010-08-25T15:44:00.004+01:00

It is funny how quickly you can grow up when thrown into a whole new universe of meaning.

For the second time in my 30 years, I have been made redundant. It just so happened to be on Friday 13th August. I have never been superstitious but maybe I will start to be.

So it happened again, but this time I have no job to go to and I don't have the support of a partner to pick up when it all gets too much. What I do have, is something far more exciting, rewarding and a whole group of friends who are there to keep me going and to cheer me along the way.

I have set up my own business, which is something I have been working towards for the past couple of months but I had a plan of doing it gradually and building the business and client base before taking the big leap. Life never works out to a plan though does it?! So, I have been frantically working to get my business set up, to tell as many people as possible and to win as may contracts from the old business. I got made redundant with immediate effect on the Friday and I had the business registered on Saturday night (along with a bottle of Champagne to celebrate!)

Welcome.... The Marketing Collective!

I still have a couple of weeks to go, my branding and website will be done very soon and once I can see my new identity I can start my road of marketing myself and winning business.
I also have some hard negotiating to do with the liquidators to gain some of the brands I worked on and to be fair took with me to the job after my first redundancy.

I am not finding it daunting, a little scary and extremely stressful but I know it will be worth it in years to come. I think maybe I am managing ok because of the help love and support I am getting from friends and family, so, thank you to all who have and are helping me - you know who you are!

Anyway, best get back to it... I have a business to run!

Twitter Fail

2010-07-25T21:46:00.004+01:00

I have to say, I think I am falling out of love with Twitter.

It feels like a lot of relationships all ending at the same time and I feel a little sad about it, but at the same time, I can’t put my finger on what Twitter is about at the moment.

I have been open about how much Twitter has helped me and I am the first to admit that I have been a little addicted at times, but it has, I believe changed me in a positive way. I have made a number of friends and a few very good friends who I know will be long-term buddies. I have travelled to meet people and at times when I have been lonely on my own, or when I have had a bad day at work, I have been able to get some support and kindness from some lovely people and virtual hugs always work.

So why am I falling out of love with it? Well, I don’t think I like what it is becoming and the avenues it is used for. Sometimes I feel it is a popularity contest, yet as stated by @iamhewhoisiam, ‘It is more about the quality of followers as opposed to quantity’ I can’t agree with this more. Twitter is about dialogue and conversation, about discussion and kindness and not about bullying, as we have seen this week with Keith Chegwin. I missed most of the issues this week around Chegwen but picked up on it from Diary of a Ledgers blog. Cheggers was in the wrong but he didn’t deserve such a response.

Twitter has also made me feel sad recently because of how people air their insecurities and their troubles. I know things are said and photos are posted because of a craving for attention, which is fine but there is no need for them to be so open – people will always respond anyway because they are nice people. I don’t really understand the mentality of it. I just wish they could see they are beautiful people who perhaps need to look at making some changes in their lives to find the complete happiness they deserve.

Then there is the clique. I have noticed over the past few weeks this has got worse. Some people only talking to particular friends which again is fine, but if someone tweets you, whether you follow or not, isn’t it just polite to respond? Or embrace what the point of Twitter is and have conversations with other people as well as the same few. Twitter has been a bit of a lonely space for me and I don’t know why. I don’t think my tweets have changed and I don’t think I have done anything offensive but the interaction just doesn’t seem to be there.

On Wednesday, I had a work meeting about a one of the brands I manage and had to talk about why a game/treasure hunt that I ran through Twitter didn’t quite work. To me it was fun and easy, but with only a few responses, it was decided that Twitter is still too new and people don’t understand it. I found this hard to understand; having been on Twitter for nearly 18 months it makes sense to me and it does work both on a social and business level. But thinking about my friends, they aren’t on it, so maybe it is still new and we haven’t all worked out what it is for.

And maybe that is it. Maybe many of the people I used to tweet a lot with are now busy with their lives, that they no longer understand the need or perhaps just taking a step back to see what happens with it.

Maybe I am just getting busy with life. In any case, Twitter doesn’t seem to be doing for me right now but I know I can’t walk away.

It has power.. I will give it that!

A break in the story

2010-07-15T21:16:00.003+01:00

I am a dreamer. And I have to say I do believe. I believe in the happily-ever-after and that good things do come to those that wait. I have to believe in that because, honestly, I have been waiting for some things for a long time, it is better to think that way than complain that life can be so bloody unfair.

I am of the conclusion that I am to sort my career out first before any of the good stuff comes along. That maybe it is my destiny to set up my own business and work for myself before a prince comes and sweeps me off my feet.

So I have been trying to turn my attention to doing that and setting up a marketing business – something small to begin with, but which gives me the freedom to explore that I can see being missed and look at new and very exciting opportunities.

It takes the focus away from something else not working out. Which has been painfully sad and something that hurts at the pit of my stomach. But I will take from it what I can, another lesson – a reason, season or lifetime lesson, which time will only tell.

In the meantime, I do what I do best and that is pick myself up, dust myself off and keep believing that my fairytale story is out there and that all will become good in The End.

Asking Orion

2010-06-25T14:48:00.003+01:00

She looked up at the stars in hope that she would see spec of light dance across the sky. She looked up in hope that she would be able to make a wish. She needed a helping hand, an act of the universe to bring her what she most desired.

She had failed to impress on her own, failed to capture the feeling. All she wanted was to be able to hold that feeling in her arms- to love and nurture, to allow it to grow through the warmth of her soul.

In once last hope, she stood in the darkness, away from the haze of a wide-awake town with her head tilted towards a world of unknown. Her eyes flicking from constellation to constellation, across belts, scales and dippers; looking for an answer, looking for hope.

Getting it off my chest

2010-06-15T12:01:00.008+01:00

Ever get that feeling where you just want to scream from the top of your lungs and name everyone who has ever hurt or let you down?

I want to do that.

I am not sure whether I am burning out following a very busy start the the year, well actually it is the first half of the year, or whether I am just having a 'moment', but it doesn't feel good.

I was just reading this blog post by Karen, and can totally empathize with the feeling of being a little boat on the big seas. Of late, I have been OK riding the choppy waves, in fact I have enjoyed the buzz and the 'Go Go Go', but all of a sudden, I can see a wave brewing in the distance and I am not quite sure how I am going to ride it or attempt to get over it.

What is stopping me from being able to climb the wave is my past, more specifically, past hurts.
Those that have lied, betrayed me and stamped on my heart and left me with little trust in people, a jealous eye and a barbed-wire fence around my heart.

I know this is a low spot, and maybe all I need is a holiday. It has been almost a year since I had any more than a day off - let alone a decent break. I know that I have taken a nose-dive from where I was three, even two weeks ago and I know I will return to those heights again.

But for now, a little moan and whinge and the acceptance that the past happened and I have to get over it, is all I can do in preparation for the bigger waves.

Oh, and a hug might help.

And the moral of the story is....

2010-06-12T15:30:00.005+01:00

There was only one thing she regretted. She stood thinking about it as rested her iron back on its rest, and turned the shirt.

She didn’t regret marrying so young, nor did she regret the pain and hurt of her first love’s betrayal, for his lies and absence had only made her protect her children more and become the woman she was today.

She had never regretted that she had chosen to be a full-time mum, although at times she did wonder what the thrill of the big smoke and the buzz of the rat race felt like.

She never regretted that she had spent so much time in those early years on her own. Nor did she regret the whirlwind lust, romance and relationship with the man across the road.

She had never once regretted having a second family with sixteen years between her first and her last. Four children is a nice number she thought as pressed a strong crease down the arm of shirt. Those early years of the second family had been hard and a wedge was driven through the two sides, but she never regretted it. Her relationships with her children were nothing less than unconditional love. Special.

She never regretted that her second husband, who she loved dearly and so much more than the first, drank too much. He knew when he was wrong. She told him so. She was a stronger woman because of the first.

She never regretted that she gave so much all the time to others and very rarely got anything in return. She knew that she was loved and she knew that others didn’t always mean it.

As she hung the ironed shirt on a wire hanger, she thought about the thing she regretted the most.

Gazing out of the window, palms resting on the ironing board, she thought how she regretted that she had never, ever, learnt to water-ski.

*******

........Regret the things you've done and not the things you haven't.

.... Yourself and No One Else

2010-06-07T13:40:00.002+01:00

Just when I thought it was all going to be ok and I was finally being given a little break from the hard stuff, something explodes.

I haven’t felt like this for some time and I thought I had finally put it to bed, that I had tucked it in under a protective soft blanket and said goodnight.

But it looks like it has awoken and proceeded to get out of the wrong side of the bed. With its angry grumpy head it has come crashing back into my life.

It once told me I am far too nice for my own good, that I shouldn’t be willing to give it away so freely.

But what could I do? I gave it to people I thought I was meant to, the relationships which are held together by it and which depend on it.

I didn’t expect them to use it and treat it so poorly and as if it can be replaced without a thought.
And now it scratches at my insides and fills my head with doubt.

Now it stops me believing.

That I will ever use it again.

Not so Perfect Book Launch

2010-06-04T19:55:00.004+01:00

I have never been to a book launch before but following Nik Perring's launch of his short story collection: Not So Perfect, I will be making sure I look out for and attend more.

I have been reading Nik's blog since I started this online rambling space. Despite being at the other end of the country, many of the blogs I love to read are all Manchester based, this is due to my lovely friend Sally (who lives in Manchester) who introduced me to blogging and some fantastic writers. Through the power of blogs, Twitter and Facebook, Nik and I have become friends so, needless to say I was excited and pleased to hear Nik was publishing a book. Having never really read short stories, I didn't know what to expect but when I got the perfect sized book through the post, I read the first story, Kiss and was hooked.

Not So Perfect has the ability to connect with everyone. The very perfect stories are insights to minds of everyday people which to some level we can all associate with. I mean, I think there is a Venus in all us females! All 22 stories are fabulous and although Kiss is my ultimate favourite, others become more loved depending on how I am feeling. My mum loves Angels in the car park, but I think that is because she can see herself lying in the snow to make angels.

I was so pleased when I knew I could make it to the launch and it didn't disappoint. I met some lovely people and now have some new blogs to read such as Kim's, Carol-Ann and Annie's. I got to hear Nik read five stories: Kiss, The Mechanical Woman, My Wife Threw Up a Lemur, Seconds Are Ticking By and In My Head I'm Venus. All fantastic. The questions were great too and it was interesting to hear where the ideas for the stories came from, and the process of working with Roastbooks to publish the collection.

I definitely need to seek out some local writers and attend more events like this because I thoroughly enjoyed it. Well done to Nik :)

XX

2010-05-23T20:53:00.004+01:00

a kiss at the end of a story
a beautiful
perfect story

a kiss across the sky
the bluest
breath-taking sky

a kiss at the end of a note
a sincere
pencilled note

a kiss at the end of an evening
a perfect
lovely evening

A change....

2010-05-10T14:15:00.003+01:00

......is as good as a rest

I don’t think I have laughed so much and so hard as what I did over the weekend. My stomach and cheeks still hurt.

I took a little trip over to the Isle of Wight to stay with my mum, stepdad and younger brother who are on holiday for the week in a lovely little caravan, right on the beach near Brighstone. I have my sister staying with me because she didn’t want to go on the family holiday because it is “boring” and they go there “every year... do the same thing and go to the same places” Despite her feeling this way, we headed over to the island early Saturday morning for the weekend and caught up with mum, Sam and the dog on the beach. Mum looked so pleased to see us, I know how she loves having her brood all together, just such a same we were missing one.

We did the usual: walking, pub lunch, stroll along beach, afternoon nap (well I did, I need my nana naps!) and dinner at the local pub followed by drunken games of I Spy and Charades.

Here are the highlights that made my belly split:

My mum leading us on a walk to Steephill Cove (the name of the cove is more than obvious!) with the promise to my stepdad (who had a knee replacement 2 years ago and still struggles) that there was a pub at the bottom where his efforts down the hill would be rewarded. There wasn’t. She was thinking of somewhere else.

Whilst having a pub lunch on Saturday afternoon (after walking back up from Steephill Cove) My younger brother, who actually says very little – just grunts (he is 14) stated, how he thought it was clever how the pint glass had a map of the IOW on it. I was drinking a Fosters shandy – apparently Australia and the Isle of Wight look the same.

We had dinner on Saturday evening at a very nice homely, traditional pub and as we were all tucking into our meals, the silence was interrupted by my stepdad, who, as he leant forward to put a fork full of fish and chips in his mouth, broke wind. There were two tables of people behind him. He blamed the dog, Lucy who was crashed out under the table. We couldn’t eat for sometime through the laughter and tears. I have never seen him so embarrassed.

There was the field full of cows who were overly friendly and transfixed by my stepdad, now named the Cow Whisper.. It was funny but a kind of ‘had to be there’ moment so I won’t try and explain.

Back at the caravan, more wine was opened and the games started. I Spy had never been so interesting with one guess being a ‘blue veined chicken’. Erm.. in the caravan?? I think not. We then moved onto Charades which sister Flossy made up as she went along but her Antiques Roadshow was the best and had us rolling about on the floor. My Jungle Book went down pretty well too.

It was such a good break and just what I needed. I feel refreshed and have certainly got some of my head space back thanks to the 7 mile beach walk and the laughter. Sometimes, family is all you need.

Just say YES!

2010-04-28T16:39:00.006+01:00

I watched Yes Man at the weekend. Unfortunately I never read the book by Danny Wallace and I wish I had, as most of my friends said it was hilarious and one of the best they had read. I didn't think the film was that great. Yes, Jim Carrey is funny and played the part well and I chuckled in places but that was it. But what I did take from it is that I am a bit of a 'Yes' person. Not in the sense that I often say yes when I don't want to or that I feel that I have to but in the sense that I very rarely let something go without a try. If there is an opportunity going - I am there.

It has also made me reflect back to when I was a 'No' person. Looking back, I didn't do much, I was scared a lot of the time and lived in a bubble of false security. I remember at times when my ex and I were going through the months of turmoil, that in a bid to save what we had I started to do a few things on my own to show I did have confidence. Things such as getting the train into town on my own and meeting him and his work colleagues for drinks and getting the ferry over the Isle of Wight for the weekend to visit my mum who was on holiday. I remember at that particular time thinking that I was doing something great and completely out my comfort zone - being Miss Independent! I remember my ex commenting on how unlike it was of me and being surprised.

Now I couldn't be more different. Give me a place to go and I will. Whether it is flying to Australia on my own, driving into and around London, travelling the country to meet friends, some who I have only know through the world of twitter but have proved to be fantastic friends and meeting in person has only strengthened friendships. If someone suggests something, generally I am there.

I know there are people around me who don't do the same and that miss opportunities, all I can say is life is too short to be missed by saying no. Bite the bullet and say yes!

Today there were signs

2010-04-26T21:13:00.004+01:00

She always sat in the left hand side. Actually it was the right side but she preferred to always look and think of things head on. So, she always sat on the left hand side as she approached from the war memorial; the memorial that was always forgotten on Remembrance Day.

She always sat on the end, perched in elegance with a straight back, ankles and knees together with her hands rested in her lap and her hair pushed back behind her ears.
She was always a few minutes before him. She liked that she could watch his approach, pretending to be smiling at children in the playground or at the fat pigeons that patrolled the park.

She always thought that if he was there before her, and he watched her approach, then he would know by her walk and the way her hips flirted with her skirt in the gentle spring breeze. It would be all too obvious.

Instead she watched him and played games in her mind, guessing each day what he would pull from his bag for his lunch. She liked to think about sandwiches and how she would prepare his lunch which such care that he would be able to taste her love.

She always acknowledged his approach by blushing slightly, her cheeks flushing rose pink whilst her heart raced at the thought of the day being the actual day. She hoped that he couldn’t see the small vibrations on her blouse which, to her, seemed so powerful that they might burst the small yellow buttons from her chest.

He always sat at the other end, sometimes he would be closer, only slightly but this made her knee bounce with delight. She enjoyed the days where the breeze stole his smell so that she could wear it all the way home.

Today the signs had been there: the sun danced on his jet black hair, his eyes alive with life. The breeze carried his musky sweet smell, embracing her as he approached. He sat closer than normal and from the corner of her eye she watched as he opened his rucksack and pulled out the neatly wrapped tin-foil lunch package. She saw a book, a diary with a name written in blue Biro across a white label positioned perfectly at the top right corner. "Tim P Johnson" she muttered over and over in her head whilst picturing her signature and how she would loop the 's' with the 'j'.

She knew his name and that was enough. She turned to her left, smiled and said "Hold me Tim"

Stuck

2010-04-23T20:37:00.004+01:00

I have too many things to say, but I don't know where to start. The beginning doesn't seem the right place because I don't know where that is.

I want some head space to work out what I want to say, to finish the things that I have started but not been able to because of feeling so tired. All my drafts end with a random word. I don't even remember where I was going with them.

I think I need a holiday or perhaps just a day sat at the beach where I can do nothing but watch the sea.

Turning the page into a new chapter

2010-04-11T18:53:00.006+01:00

One of my best friends has gone into labour today. It is the start of a new chapter for her and for all of us.

Having grown up together since playschool and secondary school, I like to think that my friends and I are a bit like Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda from Sex and the City (except without their money!) We are all best friends and have been there for each other through almost every type of emotion and situation from family separations, losing parents, break ups, depression, marriage, new relationships, career changes and those drunken girlie holiday and nights out where we have danced and giggled until the sun has come up.

However, there is a new emotion and experience that one friend is going through now, one that the rest of us have no idea about and can not even empathise with the feelings and pain: childbirth.

I think we all had visions of being married at the same time and then pregnant in unison so we could be 'mums who lunch' together, but that is by far the case and J is about to set the scene and experience something without the rest of us.

Having been sat with her this afternoon whilst her contractions went from 8 minutes to 4, I felt helpless and so emotional that I had no idea what she was going through or how to help. Her tears down her rosy cheeks made my eyes well-up with every contraction.

She is going to be the first of us to be a parent and even though baby is on it's way, it is still so surreal. I can't believe that the next time I see J & P, they will be a mummy and daddy and there will be a baby and that they will be a family.

I am so excited for them, they are going to be amazing parents who will have a lot of help, love and support from us. I already have the title of Nanna Jo (I can't be Auntie Jo because apparently I am too much like a nan!) I am hoping that they will love the patchwork quilt I have made (with my mum's help of course!)

So much is changing. I look back at how far we have come, both in our lives and as friends and I am very humbled at what has been. We are all facing new chapters but nothing seems as scary when you have your best friends with you.

Come on Jadey!... you can do it beautiful x

Taking a moment

2010-04-08T10:01:00.004+01:00

I can feel that I am on the edge of something. A big change.

Now is not the time to be indecisive or to think about the what ifs. I have to decide what I want and where I want my life and career to go.

Fight of flight.

It is scary.

I wish there was someone to hold my hand.

I have to be bold, I have to say what needs to be said and be confident in my execution of words and desires. There is no time to beat around the bush. The tail has been chased for long enough.

This is me trying to work things out in my head which is all a bit of jumbled mess.

There is sunshine though.

Letting it flow

2010-04-02T12:47:00.001+01:00

Sometimes things happen and we are powerless to stop them.

Like a fast flowing stream, we can throw stones into the water to try and slow it, but it won't be bothered by them and it won't try to move them, it will just find another way round.

Things happen as they are and as they are meant to.

It is a hard concept to live by

But:

If your body is fighting and telling you to slow, you can’t fight it, it will find another way of stopping you.

If your mind is challenging your choices it will continue to create circumstances until you get it right.

If your heart is hurting from loss, you can’t fill it or replace it is a lesson of acceptance that life does carry on after loved ones

If you know that something is right, and your instinct is telling you so, don’t try to ignore it for it will only grow stronger and cause more pain.

As hard as it is we just have to let the stream flow and ride the tiny waves and accept the ripples for what they are.

A bounce in my step

2010-03-28T20:44:00.004+01:00

Spring is finally here following a winter that seemed to last forever, with it’s never ending bitter cold winds, snow and gloominess of non-descript skies.

This time of year gives me itchy feet and a feeling to spread my wings and set about planning adventures. I don’t know whether it is because the sight of daffodils cheering roadside verges or new shoots on trees and the first sightings bluebells in the woods, or perhaps just the light lasting that little bit longer every day, but I feel the need to grow and to make the most of everything.

So, I am getting on cracking through ‘to do’ lists and making plans to meet new people, catch up with old friends, travel the country for weekends away with London and Manchester already on the cards and generally keeping busy and making the most of everything.

I am also thinking about signing up for the CIM Postgraduate diploma in Marketing which will provide new opportunities and give some more weight behind some choices I know I will have to make soon. It will be hard and I am not sure I will be able to cope with the workload on top of working the hours I do, but I would like to think if I put my mind to it, I can and I will.

Two years ago I felt a similar feeling and made an on the spot decision whilst driving to my mum’s that I would go to Australia. This morning I talked to my friend in OZ who I spent three weeks with on the mini adventure, and I decided that I would be heading back to hers this Christmas for a second round of fun and discovery.

I am all about discovery at the moment and it feels refreshing and like the start of something more.

Keep Calm and Carry On

2010-03-12T19:47:00.004Z

I have the most fantastic relationship with my sister, well theoretically she is my half sister, but I never deal in halves, it isn't important. At sixteen she is everything I wish I had been at the same age. She would have been one of the girls I was jealous of: funny, confident, beautiful and popular. I am so proud of her and I'm enjoying watching her grow up and loving how close we are becoming.

Last night I took her to Wembley Arena to see the Stereophonics on their Keep Calm and Carry On tour as a birthday present. To be fair, Stereophonics are my favourite band and she isn't, or should I say wasn't that into them, but I thought it would be a great experience and good night out for her. Needless to say, after seeing the band and Kelly Jones she is now a fan with a crush.

I remember when I took her to her first gig a couple of years ago - Athlete at Southampton Guildhall, she wasn't interested in the band but spent the entire gig watching and looking at other people. I don't think she knew quite what to do and how to react. This time there was still a sense of wonderment but she screamed, sang and jumped with the rest of us. She wasn't as bothered as I was about the lack of space; I had a guy's hoodie in my face for most the night and found it hard to put my hands anywhere other than the air because they were on his bum (not sure is wife would have liked that), I had a girl behind me whose breasts were constantly in my back and the girl next to me who had a whopping great big handbag that shoved me at every opportunity and felt like I had a small child stuck to my hip. I mean, why would you take a great big bag and drape your great big coat over it to a gig, where you are stood squashed with others. Surely you think before hand at the practicality of it - or is that just me?

I find gigs a great place to people watch. There are the hardcore dedicated fans who have been to every night of the tour, have more than one t-shirt and have already been there and come back again, there are those who have never heard of the band and although you don't need to know the band to enjoy live music, some don't move a muscle and look as though they are hating every second. Last night there was a couple of tall guys who blocked our view who seemed to have a huge issue with us taking photos. I know you go to a gig to see the band and it is all about the music but the odd photo for posterity is fine. Unlike Massive Bag Girl who took pictures constantly and videoed most the gig. I was waiting for one more look from Tall Guy before I asked him what his problem was. Boobs in Back Girl fainted halfway through the gig and her boyfriend had to pick her up and carry her out. I felt slightly panicky for her but then revelled in the extra space.

The gig was one of the best I have been to, but then Stereophonics never fail to impress. Last night was the fifth time I have seen them and will be watching them again at V Festival in the summer. The band are amazing live and KJ voice always delivers sounding just the same as the albums. They were supported by Hip Parade who are from Glasgow and a great band to look out for.

All these times I spend with Flossy just bring us closer. Each time I learn something more about her and she trusts me with more information about her life and what she gets up to, which to be fair, is exactly what I did at sixteen. She is one of my best friends and someone who I confide in, she gives me great advice when it comes to love and relationships, and is very quick to keep telling me my time is running out and I need to find a man and have children. Thanks Flossy.

The gig ended with Dakota, streamers and ticket tape being blasted into the air and across the arena. A beautiful sight which I am pleased to have shared with my little sister. And, I bought a t-shirt on the way out!

The start of something

2010-03-12T11:56:00.003Z

from a dream
I wait for you
like the warmth
of the summer sun

I found this in my draft emails folder. I often start bit and pieces at work and as I sorting emails yesterday, I came across this. I don't know where I was intending to go with it, but I like it as it is.

Nothing but a ramble

2010-03-08T19:38:00.003Z

I know that I need to write, well not need, but I want to write. My problem is that at the moment I don’t know what to write about.

So, I am going to do what I do best and ramble on.

One of the main reasons for not writing the kind of material that I want to is that I just don’t seem to have had the time or the head space to sit and think. Don’t get me wrong, I am enjoying being busy but I know sooner or later I am going to burn out. As my Nan keeps saying ‘You can’t burn the candles at both ends’ I think she is just jealous!

Work has been stressful and I have been very busy which has led to a whole manner of frustrations. I have mentioned before the lack of business sense from the top, well this has been more evident of late and some very silly mistakes have been made. What do you do? Give the boss a warning? As it is I have to tell him what to do most of the time.

So, busy days at work have either meant I am taking work home or I am going straight out for dinner with friends or to the local theatre (I saw Ballet Boyz last week at The Point who were amazing) or I am visiting family and sorting out their problems. My day never stops.

My only release at the minute is Twitter – I can dive in at any time, talk to people and lose myself in someone else’s world which is quite comforting at the moment. I know I can go there to be cheered up. At the moment if fills a little void in my life, the only thing it can’t do is give me a hug, which is what I seem to be craving at the moment. Virtural ones are good though.

Socially, I am going out more that I think I did in my late teens. But the difference is the confidence I have and the attitude of not caring what others think. If I want to dance like a fish out of water in the middle of an open space – I will. I simply do not care because I am having fun. Much to the dismay of my younger sister who is occasionally subjected to my ‘freaky behaviour’ I can’t say it enough. I don’t care! The only thing I wish was the same as my teens & twenties was my ability to cope with a hangover. Seriously! Where did the three day hangover hell come from? And the blues? What is that all about?

I have new friends and I have old friends, I have friends that I want to meet and I know that someday I will. In all this there is still a gap that I want to be filled, but I know it will happen at some point I only hope that I am not too busy to see it and therefore miss it.

Pear Drops and Dreams

2010-02-22T19:42:00.003Z

He didn’t know that he was the pot of gold at the end of her rainbow, or that he was the only star she sought in the darkness of the night sky. He didn’t know that her smile was always for him, that her being in the window every morning as he passed, was never just by chance. He didn’t know that he filled her dreams every night and that she woke with his smile on her mind. He didn’t know that her blushes were for him as stood in line whilst she stumbled over quarters of multi-coloured sweetness. But what she didn’t know was that his sweet tooth was for her and her smile which warmed the coldest of days was why he walked an extra half- mile every day.

City Love

2010-02-12T18:32:00.003Z

I want a city to fall in love with
I want to stroll hand in hand
Anywhere that the sea kisses the land
I want to discover and hide in secret places
Where no one can see our smiling faces
I want to be inspired by city love
Climb high over buildings to watch the heart from above
I want to feel the pulse of the night
In a place that never sleeps, kept awake with light
I want to walk in the footsteps of the great
Where time is just time and we are never late
I want to stay a visitor and continue to explore
With one by my side forever more
I want a city to fuel our desire
And the quiet comfort by open fires
I want a city to fall in love with
I want to fall in love in a city

No blues here

2010-01-31T18:02:00.012Z

Well, January is nearly over and I am pleased to say that this first month of 2010 has been great and I hope that the rest follow with the same good feelings. Last January, I wrote this post ; I was feeling very different than I am now thanks to some great times with some lovely friends both old and new.

It is often the most simple things that give the greatest pleasures - shopping and coffee with friends on a Saturday morning, dinners in and out to catch up and smile. Last weekend I had a crazy night out with a work/twitter friend; we drank cocktails and danced until the early hours, laughing until my stomach hurt. I don't remember all the events of the evening, although I did had a flash back when Bon Jovi's 'Shot through the Heart' came on the radio yesterday. I have a vague memory of dancing (with actions) on an 80's dance floor.

This weekend as been much different, in fact, I would go as far to say that it was almost perfect. I drove to Brighton on Friday night for a mini tweet up with Butterfly Girl , a friend who I have got to know through Twitterland. We went for pizza and wine at her local, which, I have to say does the best pizzas I have ever tasted, and chatted about love, life and our adventures. On Saturday morning, we continued the conversations and theories whilst drinking coffee on the beach and watching the winter sun dazzle on the sea and give warmth to the bones of West Pier. We had nosey in a little art shop/gallery, where I fell in love with the work of Robert Ryan whose work can be seen in his shop Ryantown. The imagery and words are beautiful and make me excited about love and the future. I think I might have to start saving as I need some of his work in my room and in my life.

I left Brighton feeling refreshed and enthused and with a desire to go back to some books and philosophies I read some time ago. Thoughts that I may have let slip but which are ultimately part of me.

Saturday evening was spent with family as my sister turned sixteen. We enjoyed a nice meal and Louise received some great compliments from a women at the bar relating to her confidence. I told Louise how proud I was of her and that she is simply awesome. Love her to bits.

Today I have lazed about the house, reading and enjoying silence, pottering and writing. A few years ago, a Sunday spent in my own company would have driven me up the walls with sadness and boredom. Not now though, now I am comfortable and happy.

Backbone of steel

2010-01-24T21:59:00.003Z

I am a dreamer. I always have been and I always will be. I believe in romance, adventure, mystery and fun; all the components that make a good story. A story where dreams come true and there is always a happy ending; just like the ones my Nan used to tell me when I was little, where the little fairy was able to go to the ball after making a dress out of petals and silk and how Spiderman and Superman stopped the train from crashing down the mountain saving the world.

I have always been told I can do and achieve whatever I want to, that the world and life is for the taking and therefore it should be grabbed with both hands. That our dreams don’t have to be just dreams; if you work hard enough then they are always within reach. However, it is only now, I feel confident and able to do this, only now I can see the adventure ahead of me and the dream that I actually want.

I have had people in my life who have numbed the dreams, told me they are unrealistic and made me believe they want to share them with me, others have encouraged yet not followed through. We all fall into relationships and situations where dreams are compromised and stifled, and often by conforming to another’s dream or a fallacy of our own, we stifle the dreams of others and they become unrealistic.

I was in a relationship for ten years, we owned a house and lived in it together for 5 years. I thought I would marry him and I thought being with him, all my dreams had been and would be answered. We travelled to Canada and Thailand, because I love to travel and thought he did too. (He didn’t) We were old before our time, and soon enough we both we lost our dreams and fell into a rut, a comfortable rut, but one where neither of us would be totally happy and fulfilled.

Now I know he was never part of my adventure and that ending that relationship and letting him pursue his dream with his ‘bit on the side’ was the best thing to ever happen to me. I don’t think back to our times now and I don’t feel the pain from what he did. I am better off.

Having watched Revolutionary Road recently I have an over-whelming sense of being aware of my dreams and never compromising what I want and who I want to be. Revolutionary Road is a powerful film about a family in the suburbs during the 1950’s. I could see myself as April Wheeler when I was in my relationship with S, wanting the house in the country, all very cute and quaint, playing happy times when actually I was screaming to explore – wanting to go here there and everywhere.

There was a great line in the film: ‘You need back bone to live the life you want’ I have a back bone and I know what I want and I know that I will get there eventually. The getting there is the adventure and the fun part.

Snowflake Kisses

2010-01-06T20:01:00.001Z

snowflake kisses
land gently
on my skin
mesmerising whiteness
numbs toes
hands are warm
because of your hold
like my heart
because of your love

It isn't in my pocket

2010-01-03T16:27:00.001Z

If you look closely
you will find it
neatly tucked
cosy on my arm
it is always there
open and honest
smiling contently
but full of caution
some have touched it
others have broke it
some tickle and tease
so it is told
the older it becomes
easier it is to notice
those that want to play
and those who wish
to place it in the
company of theirs.

Kreativ Blogger Award

2010-01-02T13:43:00.008Z

What a nice way to start the New Year! I have been nominated for a Kreativ Blogger award which well, is just bloody lovely. I started this blog to sort my head out after a 10 year relationship ended and since then it has developed and become a space for me to enjoy and explore rather than somewhere to come weep and moan. It has certainly encouraged my creative flair, or as my mum puts it ‘the arty farty stuff you do’ And the comments and feedback I receive, well, it is just fab to know that people read my posts, let alone take time to comment. It is always a nice little boost!

In order to receive the award there are a few things I must do, which are:
1. Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
2. Copy the logo and place it on your blog.
3. Link to the person who nominated you for this award.
4. Name 7 things about yourself that people might find interesting.
5. Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers.
6. Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.
7. Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they have been nominated.

The talented Katie McCullough nominated me for the award; Katie is a Twitter friend who shares a love of hotties, Katie sometimes takes two to bed (and that was in the Summer!) I urge you to have a read of her blog, her published work and look out for her videos.

So, seven things about myself. Always tricky, for what I might think is an interesting fact, you, the reader might think drivel. Here goes:

1. I was a majorette when I was younger and won first place (for my age group) for the southern regions. I can still remember my steps although my baton is half the size of my arm.
2. I can’t eat chocolate because of migraines – haven’t touched the stuff in over 20 years.
3. In my late teens / early twenties I had a fear of London. Not sure why, but the thought of crowds and the underground scared the hell out of me so I used to make excuses as to why I couldn’t attend training courses in the City.
4. I am extremely clumsy and spill cups of water on my desk at work, at least 3 times a week.
5. I am coulrophobic because of Stephen Kings’ IT
6. Sunrise and sunset are my favourite times of day. Nothing beats a beautiful pink sky and the serenity it brings.
7. I have a tattoo on my back which was meant to be semi – permanent and only last for 3 years. I had it done when I was 21, I am now 30 and it hasn’t faded.... at all.
That was harder than anticipated.... Moving swiftly on... you still with me?

The seven blogs that I nominate are:

Adventures of a butterfly girl – A beautifully written and heart-felt blog, Lisa’s writing resonates with things that I have experienced. 2010 will see Lisa spread her butterfly wings, so make sure you keep up.

Diary of a Ledger – Fantastic reviews and fabulous blog posts, Gray completed a two day Tweetathon in 2009 which was awesome.

My Shitty Twenties – A fantastic, award winning blog by Emily. Her posts about her son and life cover all bases - I have giggled, smiled and felt sadness. Amazing lovely lady who is a super mum for what she manages to juggle – and to then keep on top of her writing.

A Day in the Life of Me – Hilariously honest blog, love Laura’s writing – this post made me laugh for days

I make believe when I do my make-up nice - Emily is one of my favourite writers in blog world. Her stories and poems are full of imagination and dedication. I am always in awe at how many stories Emily posts.

Nik’s Blog - Nik is a awesome writer and author, his blog varies from reviews to interviews – I have sought many a book as a response! and personal honest posts – another one to watch in 2010!

The Tea Drinking English Rose - Such a beautiful and pretty blog, the posts and imagery always leaves warm feelings.

All very different blogs but all equally fabulous, am sure some have already been nominated – if so apologies but it re-iterates how great you are at what you do!

End of a decade

2009-12-31T11:49:00.006Z

This time ten years ago I was in Benidorm counting down to the year 2K. It was the most expensive holiday I have taken - I flew to Austrailia and back for near enough the same cost of a week on the Costa Blanca. It may have been all inclusive but that just meant that half the group (including myself) got food poisoning. I remember all the hype about the 2K bug and how computers over the world would crash and how it was so important to be doing something amazing to see in the New Year.

Although it seems like yesterday, scrambling onto Benidorm beach with my family, boyfriend and friends to watch the most awesome fireworks; it also seems like an eternity ago. And how different am I now! Ten years of learning, heartache, growing, love and new confidence.

All of these things sum up the last year alone. 2009 has been the year for me getting myself together, being brave and starting to put things in place for my future. Instead of bumbling along, often unhappy and too scared to make a point.

2009 didn't start in the best manner, I smashed a glass apparently very close to midnight which is meant to be VERY bad luck. I wasn't with the person or people I wanted to be with and saw the year in stupidly drunk with my brother. I was off alcohol for months I was so poorly.

There has been a lot of change at work with a Director leaving, new staff starting and myself becoming a Director. Financially, it has been a tough year and I am still owed for October's pay. 2009 was the year of change at work and the coming year will determine it's success or failure. Scary but hopeful times.

I broke a heart which was the hardest thing to do, but I wasn't happy; the relationship wasn't what I wanted and it was changing me as a person. I needed to take time out and to just be with me. But it demonstrated a new strength and confidence, one I wish I had found in 2006.

I turned 30 in 2009 and after all the drama and worries, I can honestly say, so far, my thirties have been the very best times. I have made many new friends through the world of Twitter - some of which I have met and some I hope to in 2010. Twitterland is always so hard to describe to those who are not involved, you can see it in people's expressions that they think of you as a sad muppet who does nothing more than chat nonsense to strangers- what can be more desperate than that! It isn't like that at all. For me Twitter is a community of friends who help, support and listen, friends who make you smile and giggle whatever the time of day, friends who take an interest, like-minded people who share experiences. It has given me confidence in over the last few months and would have been a little lost without it.

2009 has been all about experiences and pushing my boundaries. I skydived, snorkeled, rode a scooter in Greece speeding around the mountains, I travelled places on my own and challenged my confidence. 2010 is going to see more of this. More living and fun, more smiles and challenges. Work is going to be a huge challenge and I already have some difficult decisions to make, decisions that relate to my future and what I want out of it. There are things that I crave - to be in love and to be loved, settling down, a family, stability and security. But I am not rushing to find these, they will come when ready, I am learning to be patient and to trust what will be, will be.

Bring it on I say! I am going to have a bloody good time in 2010... whose with me?!

Christmas Come Dine With Me

2009-12-20T19:54:00.028Z

Every year, my best friends and I have a girlie Christmas dinner which we have been doing this since we were old enough to drink in pubs.... which makes twelve years of Christmas girlie dinner hangovers! We always used to go out for a meal and then as we all started to get our own places we took to cooking Christmas dinners ourselves, but the saying 'too many cooks' springs to mind and too many times we ended up being very tipsy very quickly and dinner being forgotten.

This year we decided upon something different. We are all fans of Come Dine With Me so thought that we would have our own CDWM style Christmas dinner. We couldn't do it the same as the TV series with going to each others house for 5 nights so we opted for cooking a course each.

We were due to pick the courses from a hat, but in true 'us' fashion, we left it too late so it was a scramble over email as to who wanted to do what. I ended up dessert which suited me as I figured most would be drunk by the time we get to eating it and my score would be higher thus, I would win. But it isn't about the winning - it was the taking part that counts!

The menu was as follows:

Canapes: Caramelised onions and mozzarella puff pastries, brie and cranberry filo parcels, smoked salmon and prawns with cream cheese bites, roasted tomatoes and cream cheese bites, prawns with Thai green curry dip and pitta bread with homous

Verdict: All were very very yummy! A lot of effort went into the preparation and there were plenty of options. I gave Peta a score of 8

Starter: Laura went the extra mile and presented the starter on a scroll, complete with coffee stains! There was even a bottle of Chianti to complement the very tasty bruschetta.

Verdict: Delicious! The home-made pesto was mouth watering. I rated this course a 9 due to the amount of effort and the nice little touches.

Main Course: Chicken Thai Green Curry and Tofu Thai Green Curry with sticky jasmine rice and noodles

Verdict: Very impressive home-made Thai paste, clearly a lot of effort (which we were reminded about by Jade and Anna with stories of their exhausting shopping trip and hunt for green chillies!) The curry flavour was as good as any I have eaten in restaurants. However, I did score them at a 7, my reasoning being because I felt they could have impressed more with the presentation (oooh get me and my opinions!) I also commented that I thought the rice was 'too sticky', clearly the 3 bottles of wine were beginning to show they pointed out that it was meant to be sticky jasmine rice!

Dessert: Christmas Sticky Toffee Pudding with chocolate toffee sauce (courtesy of twitter friend @scooby867)

Verdict: Well, I won with a score of 25/30. I impressed with my presentation - a light dusting of icing sugar and a decoration grabbed off my tree. I also got higher scores due to the chocolate sauce; not being able to eat chocolate myself I made two versions which meant everyone was happy! Thankfully, Jade who is 4 months pregnant has a very sweet tooth and is craving puddings.. I knew I was onto a winner!

Me and my pudding!

It was a great evening and everyone put a lot of thought and effort into their courses. The videoing of our comments and scoring was hilarious, particularly as the bottles of red disappeared. We never got to see Peta's score for the main course, she turned the video 'off' to record her score then on again as she left the room, so there was twenty minutes of a mattress. Great viewing! But not as good or as funny as the other tape I found in my camcorder case. Rewind back to 2004 to another girlie night in and a very drunken one at that. We laughed so hard at how young we looked, how I seemed to be dressed in men's clothes, our attitudes and our dancing skills: Vincent Vega and Mia Wallace - eat your heart out! There were a few parts that pulled my heart strings, the fact that I claimed that I was going to get married in 2006; I remember feeling that my life was so planned out. I am now thankful that it didn't turn that way.

Saturday night was fantastic, not only was the food amazing but the nicest part was all being together and being able to catch up over several bottles of wine. Getting together like last night proves more and more challenging as we get older due to our work commitments, lack of time and everyone busy with partners and moving on to the next stage of their lives.

Good times.

Home-made Christmas

2009-12-16T21:19:00.016Z

I think this is the first Christmas in quite a few years that I am full into the festive swing and feeling excited about the season to be jolly. This is partly to do with being on my own and not having to run here there and everywhere trying to fit everyone in. My parents divorced many moons ago and every year it is a battle trying to appease everyone, dividing my time equally between both parents as well as fitting in seeing my nans. This year, with being on my own I also don't have another family to fit in so it all will feel a little easier and more relaxed.

Although being on my own has meant doing things like picking and putting up the Christmas tree; every year I tell myself that I will not have a real tree the following year. I don't think there is anything else in the world that could induce such rage within me than the struggle to get a (wonky) tree into a bucket where the screws are bent and broken. It turns out, that the trunk on this year's treet, is nicely bent, which means it will never be straight no matter the stand or bucket. This is according to my mum and stepdad who saved the day by sorting out the tree for me whilst I was at work. I don't think it looks too bad, the eclectic range of decorations take your eyes away from how much it leans!

This Christmas is very much a home-made Christmas for me; I generally make my cards each year, which I always think should be a cost saving exercise, but it never is. I seem to spend a fortune on card, ribbon, buttons and card decorations and in terms of the time it takes, well, I started making my cards about 5 weeks ago! I enjoy it and it keeps me out of mischief (as my nan would say) so I guess it doesn't matter. I like to be individual. This year my cards have taken more or a textile theme - I even did some sewing!

Then there is the chutney, a scrumptious Christmas Chutney courtesy of Domestic Sluttery of which I have made two batches to give as presents to friends and family and of course, some for myself!

For something a little different, I made some Bath Fizzes, or Bath Bombs as I have been calling them! Again, so simple but really effective as a Christmas present. My first attempt was, what can I say; Interesting. You have to mix bicarbonate of soda, cornflour and citric acid together (I know! the ingredients do sound like they will burn your skin off - but they don't - it is all safe), adding in any food colouring or glitter and some essential oil for fragrance. I not only added too much lavender oil that I felt a little high but I also added too much when spraying with water - I let it get too damp and started the chemical reaction and it all started to fizz. How I thought I was able to stop this is beyond me, but I did try. Batch two worked and actually look pretty good if I do say so myself!

I think the chutney and bath fizzes make a nice little pressie... and anyway, it is the thought that counts!

Isn't it?